Anyone who’s perpetually stressed about how things get done or thrives off a clear plan has probably been told to loosen up and learn how to be less controlling. Thanks to its loaded connotation, taking charge is often seen as toxic and manipulative (which, for the record, it can be). But assuming you’re not actively coercing, intimidating, or otherwise harming anyone, does double-checking every detail—or pushing for things to be done Your Way—automatically make you some power-hungry tyrant?
Generally, “it can be helpful to view controlling behaviors as reactions to feeling some type of fear,” Annabelle Dortch, PsyD, a licensed psychotherapist based in Los Angeles, tells SELF—specifically, “a fear that sounds like, ‘If I don’t handle this, no one will.’” You might micromanage your coworkers, for instance, because you’re anxious about a high-stakes project falling apart. Or repeatedly check in with your partner about their social media habits because you’re afraid they’re cheating on you.
Essentially, you could be managing people (or situations) in an attempt to make life safe and predictable. But as you might expect, bossing others around or worrying about matters outside your influence can strain your relationships, not to mention leave you mentally exhausted, Dr. Dortch points out.
That’s why it’s so important to let go of this overwhelming urge to control—and find healthier ways to feel secure. Here’s how to loosen that grip and go with the flow, according to experts.
1. Get curious about what’s driving you to take charge.
Chances are, you’re not just born with a tight grip or type A personality. As mentioned earlier, “there’s usually a story behind the control that goes, ‘If I don’t X, then Y,’” Dr. Dortch says. Maybe you were the oldest in the family, burdened with emotional and financial responsibilities from a young age—and that’s why you believe that if you don’t handle everything, then it’ll fall apart. Or your need to call the shots stems from a shaky self-esteem: If you’re not the “leader,” then people will see you as useless or incompetent.
The first step in learning how to be less controlling, then, is to consider where this urge is coming from. But “what’s most effective here is to swap criticism for curiosity,” she says. So notice when you’re about to hover over your partner’s phone, for instance, but don’t judge yourself for being “clingy” or “insecure.” Instead, ask yourself: Why do I need to see who they’re texting? Do I need reassurance from them? Is there a sense of stability I’m missing in this relationship? From there, you’ll have a solid starting point for putting the expert-approved coping mechanisms below into practice.
2. Reframe other people’s views as different, not “wrong.”
A big reason people slip into controlling behaviors is that they’re convinced only they know the best way to do things. So often, though, there isn’t just one “correct” method for planning a friends’ trip, say, or cleaning a messy apartment. It may even be the case that someone else’s approach works just as well, if not better, than yours.
