Key Takeaways
- A sincere apology starts with taking responsibility for your actions and acknowledging their effects on others.
- Express genuine remorse, don’t make excuses, and explain how you’ll prevent it from happening again.
- The most effective apologies are honest, rebuild trust, and express a real commitment to change.
Knowing how to apologize starts with taking full responsibility for your actions and expressing genuine remorse. A good apology clearly acknowledges what you did wrong, avoids excuses, and focuses on how your behavior affected the other person. To make it more meaningful, explain how you’ll prevent it from happening again and be sure to follow through on that commitment.
1. Take Responsibility
Learning how to apologize starts with taking responsibility for your own actions. Taking responsibility means acknowledging the mistakes you made that hurt the other person. This is one of the most critical and neglected ingredients of most apologies.
- Clearly state what you did wrong without excusing your behavior or trying to blame someone else.
- Accept responsibility by saying things like “I was wrong…” or “This was my fault…”
- Don’t minimize or shift the blame by saying something vague like, “I’m sorry if you were offended by something I said,” which implies that the other person’s hurt feelings were a random reaction.
Instead, saying, “When I said [the hurtful thing], I wasn’t thinking. I realize I hurt your feelings, and I’m sorry,” acknowledges that you know what you said that hurt the other person and takes responsibility for it.
Don’t make assumptions and don’t try to shift the blame. Sincerely apologizing involves making it clear that you regret your actions and that you are truly sorry.
2. Express Remorse and Regret
When learning how to apologize effectively, it’s important to understand the value of expressing regret. Taking responsibility is important, but it’s also helpful for the other person to know that you feel bad about hurting them and wish you hadn’t. That’s it. They already feel bad, and they’d like to know that you feel bad about them feeling bad.
What to Say When You Want to Apologize
- “I wish I could take it back.”
- “I wish I had been more thoughtful.”
- “I wish I’d thought of your feelings as well.”
These are all expressions of regret that add to the sincerity of your apology and let the other person know you care.
3. Make Amends
If there’s anything you can do to amend the situation, do it. It’s important to know how to apologize with sincerity, and part of that sincerity is a willingness to act.
What to Say to Make Amends
- If you broke something: “How can I replace it?”
- If you said something hurtful: “I know my words hurt you. I should never have spoken that way to someone I love and respect. I’ll do my best to think before I speak in the future.”
- If you broke trust: “Is there anything I can do right now to help build your trust?”
Whatever you can do to make things better, do it. If you’re not sure what would help, ask the other person.
4. Know When to Apologize
Knowing when to apologize is as important as knowing how to apologize. You should apologize when:
- You suspect that something you did—on purpose or by accident—caused someone else hard feelings
- When what you did would have bothered you if it were done to you
- When you want the chance to “own” mistakes you made
- When you want to re-establish what you think was okay
If you feel the other person is unreasonable, a discussion may be in order. After that, you can decide where you stand on the apology.
While sincerely apologizing can go a long way toward mending a relationship, people are often unwilling or unable to take this step. Admitting you were wrong can be difficult and humbling.
Researchers have found that people who believe that personality is changeable are more likely to apologize for harmful actions. Because they feel that change is possible, they feel that accepting the blame for their mistakes is an opportunity for learning and growth.
5. Apologize for the Right Reasons
When sincerely apologizing for what you did, you can more easily move forward and put the conflict behind you, regardless of the other person’s actions. When we apologize, we’re able to more easily maintain our integrity and forgive ourselves.
The other person may be moved to apologize for their actions as well. While getting an apology is often nice, it’s important to remember that this doesn’t always happen. Trying to evoke an apology from the other person is a manipulative tactic that sometimes backfires.
Apologize for your own peace of mind and the other person may be inspired to do the same. But be sure not to apologize just because you expect an apology in return.
6. Choose Your Apology Method
Apologies can be spoken in person or delivered in writing:
- Verbal apologies are appropriate under most circumstances, but making amends in writing can also have its benefits.
- Writing out your apology in a letter, email, or even text can give you the time to craft what you want to say thoughtfully. You can make sure you accept responsibility, express remorse, and reaffirm boundaries.
Many people experience discomfort with a face-to-face apology, and while this discomfort alone isn’t a good reason for a written apology, it can be a factor—especially if your discomfort affects your ability to express yourself.
On the other hand, written apologies may be too formal for some mistakes and not personal enough for others. And if the written apology isn’t followed by a response, you may be left with an unresolved conflict.
Keep your apology simple and direct. If you overdo it, you’ll make it about yourself instead of the person you wronged. This can create resentment in the relationship and erode trust.
6. Own Up to Your Part, Not Theirs
Remember that when you apologize, you’re taking responsibility for your part in the conflict. That doesn’t mean that you’re admitting that the entire conflict was your fault. People are often afraid to apologize first because they think whoever apologizes first is “more wrong” or the “loser” of the conflict.
Giving an apology even when only a small part of the conflict was your responsibility is okay and often healthy. It allows you to establish what you regret about your own actions but confirms your boundaries as well.
It’s important to be fair in your apology, both to the other person and to yourself. Don’t accept all the blame if it isn’t all your fault.
7. Reaffirm Boundaries
One of the most important parts of sincerely apologizing—and one of the best reasons to apologize—is to reaffirm boundaries. Healthy boundaries are important in any relationship.
When you come into conflict with someone, often a boundary is crossed. If a social rule is violated or trust is broken, an apology helps to affirm what kind of future behavior is preferred.
Discussing what type of rules you both will adhere to in the future helps rebuild trust, boundaries, and positive feelings. It provides a natural segue out of the conflict and into a happier future in the relationship.
For example, you and your partner, friend, or family member can discuss things you won’t tolerate, such as:
- Disrespect
- Cheating
- Lying
- Gaslighting
- Mistrust
- Shouting
In addition, you can work together to set expectations about how you should treat each other emotionally, physically, and sexually. If you’re having trouble agreeing on these boundaries, you and your loved one may benefit from seeing a family therapist or couples counselor.
8. Let Go of the Outcome (to an Extent)
Although apologizing can be a way to maintain integrity and move on from actions we’re not proud of, most of us also want to repair the relationship and be forgiven. Sometimes this doesn’t happen.
- If the apology was sincere and included the necessary ingredients, your chances of forgiveness are greater.
- Sometimes the other person just isn’t ready or able to forgive and move on.
- They may forgive you but remain guarded.
- They may not be willing or able to recognize their own role in the conflict.
You can’t control their response, and if you’ve done everything you can, let it go for now.
How to Know If Your Apology Was Accepted
In general, you’ll be able to tell if your apology was accepted if the person took the following steps:
- Listened to your apology or acknowledged reading your apology
- Thanked you or showed appreciation for your apology
- Responded to your apology, saying “It’s okay,” “Please don’t ever do that again,” or even “Thanks, but I still need more time to think”
It’s important to remind yourself that even if someone accepts your apology, it doesn’t necessarily mean they’re ready to forgive you. True forgiveness may take some time, so stay calm and be patient.
Press Play for Advice On Making an Apology
Hosted by therapist Amy Morin, LCSW, this episode of The Verywell Mind Podcast shares ways to apologize effectively and sincerely.
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Why Sincerely Apologizing Is Important
When you’ve made a mistake or hurt another person, there are many good reasons to apologize. By apologizing, you are able to:
- Acknowledge that you were wrong
- Discuss what is allowed and not allowed in your relationship
- Express your regret and remorse
- Learn from your mistakes and find new ways of dealing with difficult situations
- Open up a line of communication with the other person
Sincerely apologizing can also bring relief, particularly if you have guilt over your actions. An apology alone doesn’t erase the hurt or make it okay, but it does establish that you know your actions or words were wrong and that you will strive harder in the future to prevent it from happening again.
Research suggests that some of the major reasons people don’t apologize are that they aren’t really concerned about the other person, apologizing threatens their own self-image, or they believe that an apology won’t do any good anyway.
Not apologizing when you are wrong can be damaging to personal and professional relationships. It can also lead to rumination, anger, resentment, and hostility that may only grow over time.
