“I can do it myself!”
That’s a phrase we typically associate with young children when they learn to get dressed and eat breakfast. Later, they might use it as they start riding a bike or reading a chapter book.
But what does the question have to do with their spiritual development? A lot, it turns out.
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As children grow, they start to think and do more on their own, including in matters of spirituality and religion. “Religion” typically refers to the beliefs and practices associated with organized faith traditions and institutions, such as Buddhism, Christianity, Hinduism, Islam, Judaism, and Sikhism. “Spirituality” is defined in many ways, including connectedness to one’s best self, to humanity, and to a higher power or a nonmaterial world, all of which bring to life a sense of meaning, wonder, peace, and purpose.
These are overlapping concepts—and we do in fact hear religious leaders discuss their spiritual journeys and traditions. As children begin to form their own ideas of the religions they encounter and as they formulate their first spiritual questions, that can be an uncomfortable, even scary, time for parents. Parents and caregivers of elementary-age children usually say they want their children to think for themselves. Then, in the next moment, they become anxious or frightened that their child might make spiritual choices that differ from their own.
In those moments, it can be tempting to press the “control” button—doing everything you can think of to keep your child from straying from your preferred path. Even if we wished we could redirect our children so easily, rarely is that effective. As part of becoming their unique selves, children need to explore, discover, and try things.
Spiritual development in the elementary years
In between early childhood and adolescence are the relatively calm middle childhood or elementary years, when many things seem to settle down for most children, roughly ages six to 12. They can, in fact, do more things on their own. Parents and teachers get a bit of a break from the intensity of early childhood. Kids might seem to be doing mostly OK, so we don’t worry as much about them. Collectively as a society, we go on autopilot and assume our kids are doing the same.
But that’s not really the case. Despite the relative calm, these in-between years are a time of significant growth.
Among other things, children are changing how they think, including how they understand themselves and others. Co-regulation (with the parent or caregiver) transforms into self-regulation as children also move from concrete thinking (“I have black hair”) to being able to describe internal qualities of themselves or others (“I am nice to my dog” or “Jennifer is a kind person”). They become increasingly self-aware (and self-conscious) of values and personal characteristics. As a result, they can take more responsibility for their choices, paying attention to what’s important to them and to others who are important to them.
All of these developmental issues connect to children’s spiritual development, especially when spirituality is viewed holistically. When our team at Search Institute has asked young people, parents, program leaders, and scholars worldwide how they understand spiritual development, their combined understanding described a dynamic process of an inward journey of self-discovery and sacred insight in dialogue with an outward journey into community and acts of compassion, solidarity, and justice in society.
A journey of discovery
That’s big and broad! This kind of spirituality doesn’t emerge overnight or even as a complete picture.
Though its sparks are evident in early childhood, it’s a lifelong journey that often has many twists and turns. In middle childhood, children begin to pull from “their own faith, other religions, science, their imagination, the media, and their own experiences” to create “frameworks of meaning,” according to U.K. researchers Peter J. Hemming and Nicola Madge. They are beginning to internalize their own sense of themselves as distinct from others. They are learning to think for themselves and find their own voice. They are beginning to explore their identities, a process that will continue for years.
Some of what they explore and discover will excite you as a parent. The seeds of the values, priorities, and practices that you’ve planted start to blossom. They are curious to learn more about things that are important to you, and you delight in those conversations.
On the other hand, they may also say or do things that trouble you. If you haven’t given much thought to spirituality or religion (or have had negative experiences in the past), you might feel uncomfortable if your child shows curiosity or interest in these topics or practices. Conversely, if you hold strong religious or spiritual beliefs and practices, you might recoil if your child is indifferent to or opposed to your faith. It can also be difficult if they become curious about or interested in a spiritual path that differs from, or even conflicts with, your own.
Of course, all the things that bring delight and that make you worry can come up in the same week or on the same day! That’s what happens when kids are testing ideas and exploring possibilities!
What’s a parent to do?
While you might be tempted to try to push your child back onto the path you hope they will take, a healthier and more rewarding approach is to recognize, even celebrate, the ways children are growing and learning. In doing so, you can find ways to accompany them as a loving parent who is encouraging as they exercise internal muscles they didn’t know they had. Along the way, you experience their discoveries of who they are and who they are becoming. Here are some places to start.
Let your child lead. As children grow, they develop cognitive and moral autonomy, thinking more for themselves about existential matters as they try to make sense of the world. They can’t just do this instantaneously; they need practice.
If your family has regular spiritual practices (such as prayers, readings, or service activities), ask your child to lead occasionally. Invite them to join discussions, and respect their perspectives. They might ask to try a spiritual practice or take part in a specific activity. Consider involving the whole family and then talking about the experience together. If it’s from a tradition other than your own, check if you’re welcome to join. Afterward, discuss what you found meaningful about it. Was anything uncomfortable? What could you learn from it to include in your life? In addition, children can have a say in how they want to say their prayers, ritualize their morning or bedtime routine, memorialize a pet, or remember somebody they loved who died. All of these ways of giving children a sense of voice or control help them develop their own spiritual identities.
Reflect on your self-awareness. Children are beginning to develop their own sense of themselves, but they also care deeply about what their parents or caregivers think. Your reactions to them can encourage their growth or shut it down. Does your child feel safe in bringing up ideas or questions that are uncomfortable for you? How do you respond when they say something that contradicts something you believe? Are you able to listen to them, hear them out, and ask follow-up questions? Or do you cut them off and try to change their mind? The more you can help them “talk things out,” the more it will help your child feel safe, valued, and free to explore with you. Once you’re in the right mindset, you’re ready to…
Really listen to your child’s thoughts and experiences. Too many adults’ first reaction when children ask big questions is to give them the “right” answer, even when we’re not sure what they’re really asking (or that our answer is right!). Pediatric chaplain Amanda Borchik of Rush University College of Health Sciences often talks with children facing their own death or that of a friend or family member. In her experience, when children ask a question, they often want to talk through what’s going on, not just be told the grown-up answer.
They may ask, “Where is my friend?” Borchik says. “My goal is to say, ‘I wonder: Where do you see your friend? Where do you imagine they are now? And what are they doing there? What’s it like there?’” Then, she says, you should aim to “mirror back and explore what they’re saying with them.” Her point is that “children’s experiences matter and can be honored without an adult having to explain them.” Her perspective leads to the next recommendation…
Let children be (and think like) children. Your child will not and cannot understand spirituality or religion or similar concepts the same way you do as an adult. They still think more concretely than you do as an adult. They don’t have the same information you have, and they don’t process it the same way. They may understand prayer, meditation, sacred writings, or other spiritual practices differently from how you know them. That’s normal, and there’s no need to worry or try to change how they think.
As they grow older, they may ask questions that suggest they are moving beyond their current understanding. You can be ready to delve into new levels of critical thinking about these same topics with them at that time. The good news is that you, as a parent or caregiver, have a tremendous influence on your child’s life. You may not see it right away, and there are no guarantees. Your child will develop their own identity on their own spiritual path, but the seeds are there to be nurtured. When you choose to accompany them on this sacred journey, you will see them becoming more fully the person they were intended to be.
