Everyone has habits and quirks that might amuse (and sometimes annoy) others. It’s normal to occasionally comment on these minor faults, but when these comments turn into a constant stream of criticism, aka nitpicking, it can create problems in your relationship.
Nitpicking involves pointing out minor faults and devoting *too* much attention to unimportant details.
In the intimacy of marriage, you’re more likely to notice your spouse’s personality flaws or bad habits, often to your annoyance. Couples encounter this when in a relationship or marriage, which can lead to nitpicking.
This fussy fault-finding typically involves petty, inconsequential issues. However, if frequent, it can have serious consequences that undermine your bond.
Below, learn how to spot the signs of nitpicking, the effects it might have on your relationship, and how to better tolerate those small annoyances. Plus, find tips on how to respond if you are the one being nitpicked.
Common Signs of Nitpicking
Nitpicking isn’t always easy to recognize because it often seems harmless at first. It might begin with comments disguised as concern or just joking around. Over time, though, these comments add up and take a toll.
Some signs of nitpicking in relationships include:
- Constantly pointing out trivial annoyances
- Showing excessive irritation about irrelevant details
- Fussing over minor, unimportant things
- Accusing your partner of having flaws and faults
- Having excessively high expectations
- Being overly self-critical
- Complaining excessively
- Being overly sensitive
- Bringing up past behaviors to shame your partner
In relationships, nitpicking involves excessive criticism in a fussy, perfectionistic way. People on the receiving end may feel scrutinized and that they can’t do anything right.
One study found that people with social anxiety are more prone to nitpick their partners. Socially anxious people also tend to become more upset when criticized by their partners.
The Negative Effects of Nitpicking
In relationships like marriage, partners often have different habits and personalities. It can be tempting to criticize aspects you dislike. However, this criticism weakens the foundation of your relationship.
While nitpicking might seem harmless or helpful at first, it creates a tense dynamic. Your partner may start to resent your comments and distance themselves emotionally to protect their self-esteem.
Negative effects of nitpicking can include:
Research also shows that excessive criticism from partners is linked to negative outcomes, including a higher risk of depression.
When you focus on what your partner has or hasn’t done or criticize their actions, you may belittle or embarrass them. This suggests they need to change and aren’t good enough.
Essentially, nitpicking signals a lack of full respect for your partner, even if unintentional.
Recap
Though it can start small, especially at first, it can be a red flag in your marriage. If you continue to nitpick at your spouse, a growing resentment can create a wall between you.
Learn to Live With the Small Stuff
John Gottman, PhD, founder of an organization that bases relationship advice on research, notes in his book The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work that 69% of relationship problems consist of unsolvable issues. These include the little things about your partner that rub you the wrong way and lead to nitpicking.
All long-term relationships have issues that involve personality traits or temperamental qualities and can cause perpetual conflict. These unsolvable problems are things you simply need to learn to live with.
Sure, people can make changes, and marriage is about adapting to life together; that’s a natural part of it. However, if the little things cause conflict, how can the two of you handle real conflict or the serious issues that will arise?
Being overly critical or laying blame on the small stuff can lead to bigger issues and even divorce.
What to Do Instead of Nitpicking
Rather than nitpick your spouse, there are a number of other things you can do. Many of these are seemingly small, but the impact on your relationship can be great. You’ll both be happier in the long run if you learn to deal with each other’s quirks without quarreling.
Be Kind
First and foremost, the most important thing you can do is be nice. When you feel like picking out a flaw, turn your own thinking around to simply be kind and show respect. A compliment can be far more helpful.
Be Supportive
You can also do your best to be supportive of your spouse. Take the time to listen about your partner’s day, feelings, hobby, or whatever they want to talk about. It’s another way that you can continue to get to know one another better or try to see your spouse’s perspective on the issue.
Ask yourself if you are expecting perfection. If so, no one will be able to meet your expectations and you’ll always be disappointed.
Accept Your Partner
It’s also important to accept that your spouse will have some habits that annoy you. Learn to pick your battles and save your arguments for the big issues (while fighting fair). No marriage is conflict-free. It’s how you handle the conflicts—large and small—that makes the difference.
Understand What You’re Feeling
Before you decide to nitpick, focus on your internal feelings. What is it that you really need? Attention? To be heard, seen, or hugged? There’s a good chance the nitpicking is just a poor attempt to get some other important need met. Finally, if you can’t stop nitpicking, acknowledge this as a problem and get help for it.
Recap
Instead of nitpicking your partner, focus on being kind and learning to accept their quirks and habits. Assessing your own needs and emotions can help you address your feelings without nitpicking.
If You’re Being Nitpicked
If your spouse nitpicks at you, puts you down, or demeans you, it’s important that you talk about this issue. It may be a difficult discussion, but it’s necessary. Strategies that can help you deal with being nitpicked include:
- Setting boundaries: Explain that such behaviors are not tolerable and that you will leave the situation or conversation if your partner does not respect these boundaries. Then follow through with the consequences if your boundaries are violated.
- Using “I” statements: When you are having a conversation with your partner about nitpicking, focus on using “I” statements to describe how you feel. Such statements focus on communicating how you are feeling instead of the other person’s behaviors. This can help reduce conflict and defensiveness.
Describe the hurt and pain you feel from this behavior. Let your spouse know that when you think you’re being nitpicked, you won’t overreact but you will say “enough” and leave the room.
Hopefully, after you’ve done this a few times, your spouse will start to notice their nitpicking behavior. If the nitpicking continues, marriage counseling may be the best option.
When Nitpicking Crosses the Line
In some marriages, nitpicking may accelerate into blaming, severe criticism, and hurtful remarks. It’s important to realize when nitpicking crosses the line into abuse.
Nitpicking can be a problematic behavior in relationships, but there are times when it can become a form of emotional abuse. If nitpicking is used to degrade the other person and intentionally harm their self-worth, it is toxic and abusive.
If nitpicking has crossed a line from an annoying level of perfectionism to emotional abuse, it is important to seek help.
Whether it’s physical abuse, verbal abuse, sexual abuse, or emotional abuse, abusive behavior is never acceptable. If you think you’re being abused, please seek professional help immediately. The National Domestic Violence Hotline is available at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233).
