For the romantics who fall fast and get attached quickly, the early stages of dating are rarely casual—and can feel as if they’re designed to hurt. It’s instinctive to give your all after a few promising weeks of courtship—to fantasize about what this could be—only to run up against the sobering reality that the other person may still be weighing their options, keeping things casual, or simply unsure, perpetuating a cycle of disappointment and heartbreak for lover girls. To break this pattern, some singles—as well as experts—are heeding the call of a buzzy new strategy: detachment dating.
Despite its name, detachment dating is not about caring less or acting disinterested. “Detachment sounds a little too aloof, but what it actually means is very healthy,” Blaine Anderson, a seasoned matchmaker, dating coach, and CEO of Dating By Blaine, who’s amassed more than 600,000 followers on Instagram for her “no-BS” advice, tells SELF. After working with thousands of clients, Anderson says she’s noticed a familiar pattern: People get emotionally invested (then burned) long before there’s anything concrete to invest in. This isn’t a personal failing, as Anderson is quick to point out: It’s a byproduct of our modern dating landscape.
“Dating apps and social media make it really, really easy to overinvest too soon,” she says. A quick scroll through someone’s LinkedIn and Facebook can trick you into believing you know their ambition, their lifestyle, even your hypothetical compatibility—all before having a meaningful conversation. “You create this concept of who they are, but none of this is rooted in reality,” she points out, which attaches you to who they could be (and not who they are). That’s how so many people end up settling for crumbs, accepting empty promises, and one-sidedly committing to someone who isn’t worth it.
By nature, detachment dating flips the script: “Detach” yourself from early hope and potential, at least until you’ve seen real consistency and compatibility. Instead, match your energy to what’s being offered right now. “It’s this idea of, Okay, I don’t actually know this person. Let’s see how things go and not accelerate,” Anderson says—a mindset that becomes much easier to embody when you follow a few grounding rules.
How to practice detachment in relationships
- Don’t rearrange your life. A person you’ve met twice shouldn’t be the reason you’re canceling your Pilates class or girls’ dinner. Suggest times that actually work for you, and if they’re interested, they should adjust. It’s not your job to bend over backwards for someone who hasn’t earned that kind of priority.
- Don’t stress the outcome. Of course, you want it to work out—but accept that it doesn’t have to. Letting go of the expectation that every date has to lead somewhere reduces pressure and lets you enjoy the night for what it is: good conversation, real chemistry, a great meal, or at the very least, confirmation that this isn’t your person (which is just as valuable).
- Don’t exceed their effort. One or two positive interactions don’t justify a hyperpersonalized playlist, home-cooked meal delivered to their doorstep, or whatever else you would do in a committed relationship. Match their pace—meaning, if they plan the first few meetups, initiate the next. If they take three business days to reply to one question, resist the urge to double-text within minutes. Let reciprocity—not anxiety or desperation—set the pace.
- Don’t overshare. Vulnerability is earned, which is why your deepest fears, details of your past breakups, or tender quirks that make you you should be reserved for people who deserve it. Sharing too much too soon can create a false sense of intimacy that feels real but isn’t rooted in actual trust, leaving you more exposed and blindsided if the connection does fade.
- Don’t build a fantasy. Early-stage dating isn’t the time to daydream about how many kids you’ll have or imagine hard-launching them at your best friend’s birthday next month. Judge what’s happening, not what you hope it’ll become. For example, do they proactively invite you to hangouts or just vaguely suggest “we should do something”? Are they showing genuine interest in you—or dominating the conversation with stories about themselves?
