I recently sent a text to a friend confirming that we were grabbing lunch at a local spot; I had made the reservation a week ago. Her reply sent me spiraling: “We’ll see.” Did she change her mind because of something I said? Was she rejecting me? Did her decision to meet up depend on something I should/shouldn’t do next? I read and reread our text exchange at least a dozen times, and that night I couldn’t sleep. My mind raced and my heart pounded.
Experts call my agita “insinuation anxiety,” and thanks to society’s uber-dependence on technology, it’s on the rise. Texting, DMs, email and social posts have taken away most of the cues we used to rely on for understanding each other.
“It’s the panic you feel when someone is unclear in their communication and your mind automatically jumps to the worst interpretation,” explained therapist Alison McKleroy, author of “Essential Strategies for Social Anxiety.” “You think, ‘they must be mad at me’ or ‘they’re disappointed and pulling away.’ You assume someone is thinking negatively about you, but you don’t have any real evidence.”
“Insinuation anxiety happens when your mind tries to fill in the blanks,” noted Florida therapist Esin Pinarli, founder of Eternal Wellness Counseling. “In a world of short texts, quick emails, Slack pings and vague online comments, people are receiving more ambiguous communication than ever. Our brains do not like ambiguity. When we don’t get explicit information, the brain invents a story, and it can often choose a threatening one.”
McKleroy said this type of anxiety is understandable: “As humans, we are wired to belong. Our sense of safety and well-being are inextricably linked with our social connections. We want to know where we stand with the people around us so we can feel safe and at ease.”
Professional as well as personal communication can be a trigger. “In workplaces, we’re constantly using email, Slack and other messaging platforms where tone is hard to read, and responses can feel delayed or brief,” said Saba Harouni Lurie, owner and founder of Take Root Therapy.
“A manager might send a quick ‘we need to talk’ message without any context, and suddenly someone is spiraling about whether they’re in trouble. People hint at things rather than saying them directly, whether to avoid conflict or because they assume others should just know what they mean,” Lurie continued. “All of this creates an environment where insinuation anxiety can really thrive.”
Trevor Williams via Getty Images
If you’ve ever felt a sense of dread after reading a text or a Slack message, you could be feeling “insinuation anxiety,” which experts say is becoming increasingly common in the modern age.
What starts as a simple thought can activate your sympathetic nervous system which is responsible for “fight or flight.” When this happens, London-based therapist Daren Banarsë said, “You need to bring it back into regulation before you respond to any communication, or you risk turning the exchange into something worse than it is.”
A quick way to do this is through breathing. “Any exercise that lengthens the out breath is effective,” Banarsë explained. “Try the 4-7-8 breath, where you inhale for 4, hold for 7, and exhale for 8. [It can] reduce the heart rate and take you out of fight-or-flight mode.”
One tip to diffuse the anxiety is to walk away ― literally ― from the object that’s causing it. That means putting down your phone, your tablet or “allowing your eye gaze to see beyond the digital screen,” said San Francisco-based therapist Laura Nolan. “Even just breaking contact with the screen and turning your head slowly from side to side can help you make space from the anxiety.”
Anxiety also responds well to movement, according to McKleroy. “Going for a short walk or shaking out your hands can help release some of the extra energy that builds up in your body. As you release some of the charge, you can evaluate the situation with less fear and a calmer perspective.”
Label the story your mind is spinning, Pinarli advised. “For example, say, ‘This is the part of me that assumes my friend’s silence means anger.’ Doing this separates the emotion from reality and lowers anxiety almost instantly. Become the witnesser of your thoughts and stories. That gives you space from the internal narrative that is showing up.”
She also suggested asking the questions you’re avoiding. “Oftentimes fear of conflict deferred is fear and resentment incurred. Most people spiral for 24 hours instead of sending a 10-second text. Clear communication is the antidote to insinuation anxiety. Use statements like, ‘Can you elaborate further on your last message?’ or ‘Hey, can we hop on a quick call?’ These kinds of questions allow more opportunities for better communication, to get more clarity and context.”
Also be aware of the nervous system state you are already in when you receive incoming communication from others, Pinarli warned. “If you are already stressed, anxiously wired and/or have external stressors affecting your nervous system, then you are more likely to interpret a message through a fear-based lens.”
If you’re still struggling with how to interpret a vague message, wait 24 hours before you respond, according to Banarsë. “This creates time for your nervous system to naturally regulate. You can still draft a response in the meantime, but don’t send it. Reassessing after a night of sleep will give you a whole new perspective.”
I took that advice and, in the morning, calmly explored our text chain with curiosity instead of panic. I realized that my friend had mentioned she was stressed that her mother-in-law was flying in for a visit but hadn’t told her what time she was arriving. That, it turns out, was the “we’ll see.”
Lesson learned: When I was calm, it was easier to see that the message was not malicious. I was just letting it play mind games on me.
