Key Takeaways
- You can change your attachment style by becoming aware of your behaviors and deliberately working towards healthier patterns.
- Therapy can help you change your attachment style by providing a consistent, safe environment to learn healthy behaviors.
- Spending time with people who have a secure attachment style can help you move towards your own secure attachment.
When it comes to attachment, we can have one of four styles that dictate how we interact in close relationships. As an adult, this is especially true for romantic relationships. If we have an anxious (or preoccupied) attachment style we may be accused of being clingy, but it’s our fear of being rejected that leads to this behavior; if we have an avoidant (or dismissive) attachment style, we may seem indifferent or distance yourself in relationships, but it’s because we’re trying to protect ourselves from abandonment; and if we have a disorganized (or fearful-avoidant) style we might volley between anxious and avoidant behaviors creating a push-and-pull dynamic within a relationship.
If we have any of the three insecure attachment styles, we likely want to change our attachment style to reflect more of the fourth: secure attachment style. Who doesn’t want to feel safe and secure in our relationships, right? The good news is it can be done. But it takes time, effort, and often the help of a good therapist.
Changing Your Attachment Style
Though attachment style is often presented as fixed, in reality, it is possible to change your style. As marriage and family therapist Rachel Goldberg explains, this can happen at any point in your life. “For example, if a child has a secure attachment and then their caregiver dies suddenly or a child with special needs enters the picture, it can lead to a fear of being abandoned at any moment, resulting in the development of an insecure attachment.”
It’s more likely, though, that attachment style will change in adulthood. This could be a case of secure attachment changing to insecure attachment. “For example,” says Goldberg, “a couple in a healthy and secure relationship might experience a drastic change if one partner begins to abuse substances and becomes a completely different person, altering the dynamics of the relationship significantly.”
Moving from insecure to secure attachment, however, takes conscious work.
Katelyn Kivett, a licensed professional counselor in Connecticut and a licensed clinical mental health counselor in North Carolina observes, “When individuals become aware of their attachment patterns and… behaviors they’re able to consciously move toward healthier behaviors.”
This is called earned secure attachment. “As individuals move towards [the] behavior of secure attachment, such as setting boundaries and engaging in healthy independence and intimacy,” says Kivett, “they’re able to earn secure attachment.”
Factors Influencing Attachment Style Change
Attachment styles are created in our relationships with others. So attachment styles form, first, in the bonds between a child and their caregiver and, later, in adulthood may be changed by the bonds built in friendships and romances. But other things can impact attachment styles as well. Goldberg specifies these four things as especially important:
- Relationships: “Transitioning from safe and healthy relationships to unsafe and inconsistent ones or vice versa can play a key role in influencing style change.”
- Self-awareness: This is important for any attachment style, but particularly for those who want to change from insecure to earned secure attachment. “Recognizing that old attachment injuries have led to insecure attachments is necessary for anyone seeking intentional change.”
- Learning skills: Being able to learn “to communicate effectively, identify emotions, tolerate uncomfortable feelings, and develop emotional regulation skills” is important for anyone trying to change their attachment style.
- Trauma: “Trauma can change attachment styles, and self-awareness can help shield someone with a secure attachment from this impact.”
Research on Attachment Style Change
There are and continue to be a wide variety of studies on changes in attachment style. According to Goldberg, the most famous of these is the Minnesota Longitudinal Study of Risk and Adaptation from the University of Minnesota’s Institute of Child Development. While the study didn’t exclusively look at attachment style change, there are several publications that came out of it on this topic.
For example, van Ryzin, Carlson, and Sroufe conducted research about attachment discontinuity across individuals from the Minnesota Longitudinal Study that showed that stressors across time led to changes in individuals’ attachment styles.
Also, Kivett points to a study by Waters, Merrick, Treboux, Crowell, and Albersheim that looked at people in infancy and 20 years later. This study found that most people have a stable attachment style, but that negative life events, like the loss of a parent or physical or sexual abuse by a family member, were an important factor in attachment style change.
How to Change Your Attachment Style
Changing your attachment style from one of the three insecure styles to earned secure attachment can be challenging. Both Goldberg and Kivett agree that the first step is to understand your current attachment style and the behaviors that go with it. Once you’re aware of the behaviors you’d like to change, you can begin to do so.
Goldberg says that therapy can be highly beneficial in helping you change your attachment style. “It not only offers insight into someone’s patterns,” Goldberg explains, “but also creates a consistent, safe, and healthy environment that can model healthy boundaries and facilitate repair — all hallmarks of secure attachment.”
As individuals move towards [the] behavior of secure attachment, such as setting boundaries and engaging in healthy independence and intimacy, they’re able to earn secure attachment.
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KATELYN KIVETT, LPC (CONNECTICUT), LCMHC (NORTH CAROLINA)
Kivett says that you can move toward an earned secure attachment style just by being around those who are securely attached, “thanks to mirror neurons (neurons that “mirror” an action performed by another individual) and co-regulation (when two people help one another regulate their emotions). The more times someone with anxious, avoidant, or disorganized attachment can experience being attuned to [a secure] individual, the more they’re going to move towards their own earned secure attachment.”
In addition, Goldberg observes, “enhancing self-esteem through achieving goals, practicing self-care, expressing gratitude, and helping others…, improving communication skills, learning to express emotional needs, and establishing boundaries are also effective methods for individuals working to change their attachment style.”
Basically, anything you can do to improve your sense of security and reduce the feeling that others are threats can help you achieve the change you desire.
Challenges and Limitations of Attachment Style Change
Attachment style is often deeply ingrained since childhood, and therefore, difficult to change. This can lead to challenges when you try to change your attachment style.
- First, according to Kivett, you may feel your insecure attachment style is valid. “For individuals with insecure attachment styles, the insecurity is often familiar and even comfortable. In order to feel safe enough to let these behaviors go, individuals will need to heal and process the wounds that led them [to their insecure attachment styles] in the first place.”
- Second, Goldberg says that we may have a tendency to choose relationships similar to caregivers that will perpetuate the cycle of insecure attachment. This can make it difficult to make intentional changes. “Changing an attachment style requires consistent effort, patience, and self-awareness, which doesn’t come easily,” especially if you are surrounding yourself with people that repeat negative patterns.
- In addition, Goldberg explains that setbacks can occur even after years of earned secure attachment. “For example, someone in a very safe, consistent relationship for years might face challenges if their partner becomes seriously ill with a chronic illness,” Goldberg says. “This change can create a dynamic that no longer feels secure for that person and may trigger very old feelings of abandonment.”
While the shift may not be as drastic as it might have been before attaining earned secure attachment, the person still will have those old feelings of insecurity. This is because that person still remembers those feelings, but hasn’t experienced them in their relationship until now.
Verywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read our editorial process to learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.
Van Ryzin MJ, Carlson EA, Sroufe LA. Attachment discontinuity in a high-risk sample. Attachment & Human Development. 2011;13(4):381-401. doi:10.1080/14616734.2011.584403
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Waters E, Merrick S, Treboux D, Crowell J, Albersheim L. Attachment security in infancy and early adulthood: a twenty‐year longitudinal study. Child Development. 2000;71(3):684-689. doi:10.1111/1467-8624.00176
Kilner JM, Lemon RN. What we know currently about mirror neurons. Current Biology. 2013;23(23):R1057-R1062. doi:10.1016/j.cub.2013.10.051
Child Mind Institute. What is co-regulation?
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