Whether it’s a romantic partner, parent, co-worker or boss, navigating a relationship with a narcissist can feel disorienting.
You may find yourself second-guessing your reality, walking on eggshells or working overtime to keep the peace ― only to end up totally drained, confused and downtrodden. Although you can’t control a narcissist’s behavior, you can change how you respond in ways that protect your time, energy and well-being.
Below, experts break down the common mistakes people make when dealing with narcissists ― and what to do instead.
1. Taking Their Criticism At Face Value
“People should not take a narcissist’s criticism as objective truth because their attacks are rarely based on reality,” said Marie-Line Germain, author of “Narcissism at Work: Personality Disorders of Corporate Leaders” and a professor of human resources and leadership at Western Carolina University.
“Criticism is used to devaluate with the goal of eroding their self-esteem. Critiques are tools of control intended to make the receiving party feel incompetent and dependent.”
She recommended decoupling the feedback from a narcissist from your self-worth. Consider consulting a trusted source who has your best interests at heart, like a friend, family member or therapist.
“Narcissists enjoy chaos,” said journalist and “Married to a Narcissist” author Catenya McHenry. “It keeps them in control, and they often like to swoop in and pretend to want to solve the conflict they have in fact caused. Creating chaos and confusion is a narcissist’s superpower.”
2. Appealing To Empathy
“One of the most common and damaging mistakes people make is assuming narcissists operate in good faith,” said Tina Swithin, author of “Divorcing a Narcissist: One Mom’s Battle.” “Narcissists may understand empathy conceptually, yet they do not operate from it in practice. Once people stop projecting their own ethics onto someone who does not share them, they are better equipped to respond strategically rather than emotionally.”
She emphasized that appeals to fairness or compassion tend to fall flat or become tools for bad power dynamics. Pay attention to patterns of behavior, rather than emotional displays or promises.
“Believing that empathy will soften a narcissist is not effective because they interpret compassion as a sign of weakness or a license to continue their behavior,” Germain said. “Empathy is rarely reciprocated ― instead, it is weaponized as leverage to further manipulate the relationship.”
She recommended keeping empathy internal and maintaining rigid external boundaries when dealing with a narcissist.
“Understand that you may not get an apology or receive the understanding that you deserve if you choose to express your thoughts and feelings,” McHenry said.
3. Over-Explaining Yourself
“Many people assume that if they just explain themselves better to the narcissists in their lives, then they will get the love and understanding they crave, especially if this is a romantic or familial relationship,” said Hannah Alderete, a licensed mental health counselor and the author of “Break Free From Narcissistic Mothers.”
However, this approach is a mistake because it expects the narcissist to act from a place of reason, logic and wanting to understand. But the truth is, they prefer to remain anchored in their own sense of reality and dominance.
“It’s normal to want to be understood, so victims of narcissistic abuse will spend a lot of time trying to construct the perfect combination of words to get the narcissist to understand their point of view, admit they were wrong or finally give them the love or validation they crave,” said Virginia Gilbert, a licensed marriage and family therapist specializing in high-conflict divorce and attachment trauma. “Not only does this desired outcome never happen, but the narcissist will have a field day trampling on the feelings of the person trying to get through to them.”
Try to accept that there will probably never be a big moment of epiphany for a narcissist. They will distort reality to evade accountability, so adjust your expectations of them.
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Appealing to empathy or reason is usually not effective with narcissists and can even lead to other problems.
“The more a person tries to explain themselves, offer justifications or even reveal their feelings, the more the narcissist will shield themselves psychologically from registering what the other is saying,” Alderete said. “This is a classic cycle of pursuing and withdrawing that can go on for a long time in narcissistic relationships.”
Lauren Maher ― a licensed marriage and family therapist specializing in anxiety, trauma and narcissistic abuse recovery ― similarly advised against sending long letters, emails or voice notes with all of your thoughts and feelings.
“Sadly, rather than cultivating a sense of empathy for your experience, they might use some of this information as ammunition against you in future disagreements or conflicts,” she said. “It’s understandable to want to give voice to your thoughts and feelings, but you may want to do that by writing a letter that you choose not to send, or by sharing your thoughts and feelings with a therapist or a trusted friend.”
You know the truth and don’t need the narcissist to confirm it. So try to disengage emotionally and use an unfazed tone of voice and body language in any interactions.
“If you feel you must say something, try a neutral ‘We have different perspectives on this’ and then stop talking or change the subject,” Gilbert suggested.
When things get tense, state your boundaries and stick to them.
“Instead of, ‘Let me explain how you hurt my feelings,’ a better response would be, ‘If you use name-calling, I will stop the conversation and hang up the phone’ ― which ultimately preserves your energy and allows you to make decisions that honor your needs more effectively,” Alderete said.
4. Believing You Can Change Or ‘Fix’ Them
“A common mistake is believing that you can ‘fix’ it’ ― ‘if only I do better, love more, do more….,’ said Karyl McBride, a licensed marriage and family therapist and author of “Will the Drama Ever End? Untangling and Healing from the Harmful Effects of Parental Narcissism,”
“It is important for people dealing with narcissists to understand and accept that some people, especially narcissists, have a limited capacity with empathy and connection,” she explained.
Try not to get too emotionally invested in a dynamic that is unlikely to evolve.
“Hoping that love, loyalty or time will eventually change a narcissist is very often a waste of time,” Germain said. “Staying for the ‘potential’ of change often results in further damage of the partner’s well-being. Instead of waiting for a transformation that may never arrive, one should ask, ‘If this person never changed, what would I need to do right now to protect my health and safety?’”
Narcissists tend to think they are superior and thus don’t need to change their behavior.
“This is a rigid, fixed personality disorder that is not inclined to change,” said Linda Martinez-Lewi, a psychotherapist who has published multiple books on dealing with narcissists. “Focus on yourself and your psychological and emotional needs. Continue to build a strong sense of self-entitlement, physical, emotional, and psychological well-being, and the fulfillment of your many creative gifts.”
5. Getting Defensive
“When someone accuses you of doing something you didn’t do, the most human thing in the world is to want to defend yourself,” said Chelsey Brook Cole, a psychotherapist specializing in narcissistic abuse. “However, conversations, especially heated ones, are just opportunities for narcissists to feel powerful and in control.”
If you feel the urge to get defensive with a narcissist, she recommended slowing down and recognizing that they might be intentionally baiting and triggering you to meet their agenda.
“Defending one’s position often backfires because detailed justifications provide a narcissist with more material to twist, dismiss or weaponize,” Germain said.
Over time, these kinds of interactions can deplete your emotional energy over time, leaving you exhausted and demoralized.
“A good approach is to respond without offering a justification, using short, neutral statements ― called ‘grey rocking’ ― to limit the potential for manipulation,” Germain explained.
Rather than offering a defensive narrative, she suggested sticking to bland responses like “I disagree” or “That doesn’t work for me” to remain more emotionally neutral.
“Instead of thinking, ‘How can I say this so they will understand?’ think ‘What behaviors can I look back on and be proud of?’” Cole said. “Thinking from a future self perspective keeps you grounded, authentic and acting out of your own values rather than reacting to the narcissist’s baiting.”
6. Letting Their Charm Overpower Your Gut Instinct
“Narcissists know how to command a room and charm the people in it,” McHenry said. “They know how to be charismatic and they know how to make people believe they are someone that they aren’t. This is true in both personal and professional settings.”
It’s understandable to feel charmed by a narcissist at first, so don’t feel like you’ve messed up if this is your initial experience.
“It is not necessarily a ‘mistake’ for us to believe that these individuals are who they say they are in early interactions,” said Margaret Ward-Martin, a psychotherapist who founded The Grace Project to work with survivors of narcissistic abuse. “Let’s understand that they are an image of who they wish they were or who they want you to believe they are.”
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Setting healthy boundaries is crucial for protecting your well-being in interactions with narcissists.
Once you start to see the truth, however, you can take control of the situation by listening to your gut instinct. Protect yourself from manipulation, pay attention to patterns and let them reveal themselves.
“Don’t ignore your own feelings,” Ward-Martin said. “Generally speaking, we can sense when something is ‘off.’ But there again, we are polite and these people have so much power, charisma, conviction, charm, authority plus a smidgen of vulnerability, and we might mute the niggling voice that’s telling us something is not adding up.”
7. Attempting To ‘Win’ Or Publicly Expose Them
“Attempting to ‘win’ against or publicly expose a narcissistic partner typically backfires because threatening their sense of control triggers an immediate escalation of hostility,” Germain said. “When a malignant narcissist’s facade is challenged, they often resort to rage and calculated retaliation to silence the threat.”
She recommended disengaging and prioritizing your own well-being over any desire for public vindication.
“Partners of narcissists should set firm boundaries to protect their well-being,” Germain said. “Proving a point to someone who refuses to accept reality is a losing battle.”
McBride similarly advised against engaging in “circular” conversations and verbal battles with narcissists.
“The narcissist has to be right, is usually not accountable and doesn’t know how to see the other side of things,” she said. “It’s best not to engage in the battle. Work on your own understanding of how you feel and focus on that.”
8. Trying To Deal With A Narcissist Alone And Without Documentation
“Attempting to handle narcissistic behaviors in isolation typically backfires because reality distortion and gaslighting are most effective when the target is disconnected from outside perspectives,” Germain said. “Instead, it is best to build ‘external anchors’ ― such as friends, family, therapists or mentors ― who can provide an objective reality check.”
She also emphasized the importance of maintaining robust documentation, especially in high-stakes circumstances like a divorce, custody case or financial situation. Emails, text messages, voicemails and contemporaneous notes can go a long way.
“While recording conversations can be a tool in extreme cases, partners of narcissists need to be cautious,” Germain noted. “Recording laws vary by state, and a narcissist may weaponize the discovery of such recordings against their partner.”
McHenry advised keeping similar records when dealing with a narcissist at work. Writing everything down takes time and thought, but can be hugely beneficial to one’s sanity and mental health.
“One of the most important mistakes people make in a professional setting is thinking they should not document or not keep a written account of conversations, meetings and challenging interactions,” McHenry said. “When dealing with a narcissist, it’s crucial to put everything in writing. There are scores of narcissists in C-suite positions, and working them in can be excruciatingly challenging.”
9. Not Understanding When To Set Boundaries
“Another issue is not knowing when to set boundaries for yourself,” McBride said. “This often needs to be learned because people don’t learn how to set healthy boundaries in a narcissistic system. They often need to be encouraged and told it is OK to do, and it can be important for their own mental health.”
She noted that going to a narcissist to unload everything they’ve done wrong often backfires and leads to more angst, disappointment and pain.
“I also see clients move to the decision of estrangement and cutting ties too quickly with their narcissistic parents,” McBride said. “I say this because when clients really work on their own trauma and individuation, they often can still have connection with their families in what I call a ‘civil connect.’”
You can accept who your narcissistic family members are and still have a relationship, even if it’s not exactly the close, emotionally connected bond you might’ve wanted. But you’ll have to set healthy boundaries and strengthen your own sense of self.
“The mistake is giving in and not setting limits ― instead just indulging them in whatever they say or do and not holding them accountable,” said therapist and “Disarming The Narcissist” author Wendy Behary. “Confrontation can be really tricky, and it’s even trickier when you add that layer of narcissism.”
She recommended setting boundaries with an approach of “empathic confrontation.” Acknowledge that you understand they might be accustomed to getting what they want or doing as they please, but in this particular case, that won’t work for your relationship, as it doesn’t allow you to have a voice.
“We don’t do this with the expectation that we’re going to change them just because we said this,” Behary said. “We do this in order to continue to have a voice. There’s nothing like feeling yourself standing tall, being an advocate, being assertive, protecting your rights, and putting them in their place.”
In some cases with milder forms of narcissism, they may even rethink how they show up with you.
“So it’s a win no matter what ― even if they just scoff, grunt, grimace or snarl and walk away from you,” Behary added. “You didn’t cave in. You didn’t surrender, you didn’t give up your rights, you didn’t give up your voice, you didn’t go silent.”
