Key Takeaways
- Compulsive liars often tell frequent lies out of habit, even when they have nothing to gain from lying. They may do so to manage social situations or boost self-esteem.
- Signs can include excessive detail, anxiety, vagueness, or defensiveness when telling stories or relating information to others.
- If someone keeps lying to you, don’t take it personally. Instead, let them know how it affects you and encourage them to talk to a professional. Set and maintain boundaries, including ending the relationship if the lying persists.
A compulsive liar is someone who habitually tells lies, even without a clear motive or in situations where telling the truth would be more beneficial. We all tell lies occasionally. The average person tells two lies a day. However, some people tell several lies a day to cope with various social situations.
We asked the experts how to deal with compulsive liars, and they recommended encouraging the person to get professional help, while also setting boundaries in your relationship with them to protect yourself.
How to Tell if Someone Is a Compulsive Liar
Aimee Daramus, PsyD, a licensed clinical psychologist, says compulsive liars have little control over their tendency to use lying as a coping skill. “They may lie to manage social situations or meet their own psychological needs of safety, security, or belonging.”
For instance, a compulsive liar may tell a quick lie to avoid discomfort or make up something to make them seem more desirable, says Sabrina Romanoff, PsyD, a clinical psychologist and professor at Yeshiva University. “There are usually themes in their lies, such as: they are heroic, they have a lot of accomplishments, or they are deserving of sympathy.”
These are some of the signs that someone is lying, according to Dr. Romanoff:
- Telling stories with extensive details to make them seem more real
- Appearing anxious while speaking
- Frequently changing their story
- Saying one thing but doing another
- Being vague when questioned
- Becoming defensive when confronted with inconsistencies in their story
Sometimes, it can be difficult to tell when someone is lying, and you just have to wait and see whether their words are proven to be untrue, says Dr. Daramus. “If you know them well, you may recognize a tone of voice or body posture that tells you they’re lying, but many times you just have to wait it out.”
Why Some People Can’t Stop Lying
Some people lie compulsively out of habit, whereas others do it due to a mental health disorder.
Mental Health Conditions
According to Dr. Daramus, people who lie compulsively may do so because they have a mental health condition such as:
However, it’s important to note that everyone who lies compulsively doesn’t necessarily have a mental health condition, and everyone who has these mental health conditions isn’t necessarily a compulsive liar.
Lying as a Coping Skill
Many people who lie compulsively use it as a coping skill, because it protected them or solved a problem, perhaps when they were very young, says Dr. Daramus. “So, if someone is a compulsive liar, they’ve probably had to handle some tough situations where lying helped them cope or kept them safe.”
A 2016 study notes that the brain gets accustomed to dishonesty. The researchers studied participants’ brains to see what happens when they lie and found that the more someone lies, the easier it becomes for them to tell bigger, more frequent lies.
What to Do When Someone Keeps Lying to You
Don’t Take It Personally
When you realize someone is lying to you, you may find yourself wondering what you did wrong or whether your behavior has anything to do with it.
However, it’s important to avoid taking the person’s lies personally and remember that their compulsion to lie reflects more on them than it does on you, says Dr. Romanoff.
Explain How Their Lies Are Affecting You
If you do catch the person in a lie, try not to get frustrated and get into a back and forth of pulling for the truth, says Dr. Romanoff.
Instead, talk to them and let them know how their lies are affecting you. For example, you could say:
- “I was angry and upset when I found out you lied to me.”
- “If you lie to me, it’s difficult for me to rely on you to get this done.”
- “It’s hard for me to trust that you’re telling me the truth now.”
Encourage Them to Get Help
Encourage the person to see a mental healthcare provider who can help them understand why they’re lying, diagnose whether they have an underlying mental disorder, and help them develop healthier coping mechanisms.
You can make your connection with them contingent on their getting therapy with a trained professional, says Dr. Daramus.
Set Boundaries With Them
Dr. Daramus recommends setting boundaries with the person to protect yourself. Depending on your relationship with the person, you could say:
- “I don’t want our relationship to be based on lies. I can only be your friend/partner if you tell me the truth.”
- “I will have to terminate your employment if I find out you’ve lied to me again.”
Although if the person’s compulsion to lie is strong, the boundary may not be effective, and you may find that they’re continuing to lie to you, despite the threat that you’ll walk away from the relationship, says Dr. Daramus.
Aimee Daramus, PsyD
There may come a point when you need to think through your boundaries and end your relationship with them.
— Aimee Daramus, PsyD
Pathological Liar vs. Compulsive Liar
Lying pathologically is not quite the same as lying compulsively. Below, Dr. Romanoff explains the difference between pathological liars and compulsive liars:
Compulsive Liars
Lies out of habit; it feels natural and automatic
Typically lies in low-stakes situations
Motivated by a need to manage social impressions
Lies may seem unnecessary or irrational
Causes a slow erosion of trust over time
Pathological Liars
Lies with intent, often for personal gain or manipulation
Lies even when it causes harm or serious consequences
Motivated by self-interest, control, or to deceive others
Lies are often strategic and manipulative
Can cause significant harm to others quickly
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