When Thomas Goode, a 52-year-old North Carolina resident, was diagnosed with multiple myeloma 16 years ago, it felt like the ground fell out from under his feet.
As he went through months of radiation, stem cell transplants, and clinical trials, Goode drew strength and comfort from his family, who traveled from Texas, Virginia, Colorado, and Maryland to take care of him after surgery.
Unfortunately, like many cancer survivors, Goode also encountered a steady stream of well-meaning platitudes and offhand remarks from others that often did more harm than good.
“One of the most unhelpful comments that I received came immediately after my diagnosis,” Goode recalls. “A co-worker came up to me and asked, ‘Are you going to die?’ It took me aback, and I didn’t know how to respond,” he shares.
At the time, Goode knew the average life expectancy for someone newly diagnosed was only 3-5 years. “The only thing I said was, ‘I don’t know,’” says Goode, who now runs a support group for multiple myeloma patients in affiliation with the International Myeloma Foundation.
“A cancer diagnosis is an intensely personal and often overwhelming experience,” says Seyma Saritoprak, PhD, a clinical health psychologist specializing in psychosocial oncology at City of Hope Orange County, California. In this vulnerable state, intrusive questions and overly optimistic or dismissive statements can unintentionally invalidate a patient’s emotional experience. “This can lead to increased distress, a sense of isolation, and reluctance to seek further emotional support,” Dr. Saritoprak explains.
The key is understanding that someone with cancer doesn’t expect us to “fix” the situation or have all the answers. They just want to feel heard and supported at a time when they may feel like everything is spiraling out of control.
Common Phrases to Avoid
The first step to offering meaningful support is to avoid certain responses that, even when well-intentioned, can land the wrong way. Some common examples include:
“You’re So Strong, You’ve Got This.”
“On the surface, it sounds positive. But when you’re fighting for your life, it can feel like pressure. Like you’re not allowed to be scared, or tired, or vulnerable,” says Staci Kirk, an ex-corporate-turned-entrepreneur who is a six-time cancer survivor.
“I’ll never forget when someone looked me in the eye and said, ‘You don’t have to be strong right now. I’ll be strong for you.’ That broke me in the most healing way,” Kirk shares. “It gave me space to breathe, to cry, to rest,” she says.
“At Least It’s Treatable.”
Phrases like this may be meant to instill hope, but they can feel dismissive of the person’s unique fears or challenges, says Dr. Saritoprak.
Instead, go with something more compassionate like: “I’m here for you, no matter what.”
“I Know Someone Who Had the Same Thing.”
“I can’t count how many times someone nervously said, ‘My aunt died from breast cancer,’ thinking it would somehow bring comfort. It didn’t. In those moments, I wasn’t looking for a comparison. I just needed to be held in my experience,” says Kirk.
Dr. Saritoprak recommends avoiding comparisons altogether and offering something more empathetic, such as: “Everyone’s experience is different—how are you coping with everything?”
“You Must Be So Scared.”
Everyone experiences a cancer diagnosis differently. Instead of speaking for them by inserting your own words, thoughts, and feelings into the conversation (e.g., “scared”), perhaps you can say “I can’t imagine what this must feel like,” suggests Kim Baron, PhD, a clinical psychologist based in Philadelphia.
This validates their experience without making assumptions and gives them space to open up in their own words, if they choose to.
“What Stage Is It?”
This can feel intrusive and pressure them to share information they may not be ready—or willing—to discuss. Instead, stick with open-ended questions like “Do you want to talk about it?” or “How can I best support you right now?”
“Open-ended questions allow the other person to go as deep or as shallow in their answers as they need to,” says Dr. Gabriel Cartagena, clinical director of the Yale Psycho-Oncology Program at Yale School of Medicine. They also give the person the opportunity to be specific with what they need from you, he adds.
“You Should Try This New Diet/Remedy/Supplement.”
Be careful not to offer unsolicited advice. “Everyone is different. Each diagnosis is different, and each circumstance is different,” says Dr. Baron.
What can be more helpful is something reassuring like: “I’m here for you in whatever way you need.”
“I Can’t Stop Worrying About You.”
Rather than feeling supported, statements like this can make a cancer patient feel even more overwhelmed. It can put undue pressure on them to manage your emotions on top of everything else. It may also trigger guilt and shame for making you feel that way.
Instead, focus on your loved one’s experience and meet them where they are. You could say something like: “I’ve been thinking about you. How are you doing today?”
Moreover, Dr. Baron recommends talking about your own thoughts and feelings with another friend, family member, or therapist.
“You Look Great—I Can’t Even Tell!”
It might sound like a compliment, but these kinds of comments are unintentionally dismissive of the invisible toll of cancer (e.g., chronic pain, fatigue, anxiety, isolation). Shifting the focus from how they are feeling to how they look sends the message that if you don’t look sick enough, your experience isn’t real or valid.
A more compassionate approach would be to say something that focuses on their experience rather than their appearance. For example, “It’s good to see you. How are you doing so far?” or “I know there is a lot going on. If you need to talk, I am here to listen.”
If you don’t know what to say in a particular situation, then say that, suggests Dr. Baron. For example, “I don’t know what to say, but please know I’m here for you.”
What to Consider Before You Say Anything
“A moment of reflection can make a big difference in how your words are received,” says Dr. Saritoprak. So, before engaging in conversation, ask yourself:
- Am I prepared to listen more than I speak?
- Am I allowing space for a range of emotions?
- Am I offering support without judgment or solutions?
- Is what I’m about to say kind, respectful, and grounded in empathy?
- Is what I’m doing something that was asked of me or something I assumed I should do?
- Am I avoiding uncomfortable feelings because I myself feel uncomfortable?
- Is what I’m saying helpful to me, or to the person I’m speaking with?
- Have I told this person how much I care about them?
- Am I attempting to fix something right now?
- Do I need to pause and take care of myself first?
Practical Tips for Supporting a Cancer Patient
One of the most meaningful things you can do is practice active listening. “When patients feel truly heard, they are more likely to share concerns, ask questions, and engage actively in their care. This can reduce feelings of anxiety and isolation and may even improve coping and treatment adherence,” notes Dr. Saritoprak.
In addition to that, offering tangible help with routine tasks can also help reduce stress during an already challenging time.
Rather than saying something generic like “Let me know if you need anything,” be intentional and specific. “You can even ask what has been helpful for them so far and find any gaps in their needs,” says Dr. Baron.
Ways to Offer Support to Someone Battling Cancer
- Offer to drive them to and from treatment.
- Offer to sit and keep them company during treatment. Dr. Baron suggests bringing something to read in case they need to sleep while you are there.
- If you live far away and can’t attend a treatment, offer to be available by phone or FaceTime.
- Coordinate a meal train or send an Uber Eats gift card.
- Offer to help with household chores like cleaning and laundry.
- If they have kids, offer to drive them to and from school or after-school activities.
Key Takeaways
- The key to effective communication when it comes to cancer care is to meet the person where they are.
- Be intentional and specific when supporting your loved one so they don’t have to figure out what they may need from you.
- By approaching conversations with empathy, listening without judgment, avoiding assumptions or unsolicited advice, and making space for all the hard feelings that may come up, you can create a safe emotional space where your loved one feels truly seen and supported.
