Welcome to Asking for a Friend, an advice column that helps you make sense of your messiest, most complicated friendship moments. Each month, clinical psychologist Miriam Kirmayer, PhD, will answer readers’ burning—and anonymous—questions. Got one of your own? Ask Dr. Miriam here.
Dear Dr. Miriam,
My friend always ditches me for guys, and it’s honestly starting to piss me off. I love her, but the pattern is so predictable: If we’re out at a bar and there’s a guy around, she disappears. When she starts dating someone, I barely see or hear from her unless he’s there too. For context—I’m in a long-term relationship myself, so it’s not like I’m jealous or want her to be single with me. It just feels like she’s only fully present and thoughtful after a breakup, or when a date flakes. Otherwise, I’m basically her backup option.
I know she’s a good person, and I genuinely care about her. I’m not sure if this stems from some sort of attachment issue, but I’m at a point where I want to say something. So how do I bring this up without blowing up the friendship or accusing her of being “boy-crazy”?
—Always the Afterthought
Always the Afterthought,
It’s disappointing, hurtful, and downright aggravating to find ourselves in a friendship dynamic that’s rooted in convenience over consistency. We expect our friendships to withstand life changes, transitions, and, in this case, people. It’s even more difficult when a friend’s behavior conflicts with what we expect from ourselves. I noticed you compared your relationship history with your friend’s, which tells me that this might feel like a violation of both your friendship expectations and your personal values.
You’ve already taken a few important steps to manage this tension. You noticed a pattern, acknowledged your desire to stay close, and recognized the value of potentially having a conversation that helps you to do just that. I also see you working to understand what might be at play, including your friend’s attachment style, which can be helpful for channeling empathy.
What I don’t hear is much about what feelings this brings up in you. And not to sound too much like a stereotypical therapist (even though I am indeed wearing a cardigan while writing this reply), but I am curious: How does this make you feel?
Acknowledging your feelings isn’t just a mental exercise; it’s the road to a more constructive conversation. You’re right to wonder how you can bring this up without making accusations that are likely to backfire and create even more distance. Based on your question, I’m going to assume that up until now, you haven’t actually had a conversation, and so here’s my suggestion: Be self-centered. Yes, really! Instead of focusing on your friend’s behavior or the longstanding relationship difficulties you’ve diagnosed, lead with your perspective on yourself. In practice, this might sound something like:
“I’m so glad that you’ve found yourself in a new relationship, and it makes me happy to see you this excited! To be honest, I’ve noticed that I’m also feeling a little uneasy. Our friendship is important to me and I really want to make sure that we find ways to prioritize each other and the things we love to do together. I know it can be tough to balance all the different people in your life. I’m wondering if we can have a conversation about how we can work to stay close and prioritize each other in a way that feels doable for both of us.”
Here’s why this works so well: It’s honest but not accusatory. You’re being true to your feelings and with your friend. It’s validating without excusing: You’re creating goodwill and buy-in while acknowledging that there’s room for change. It’s also an invitation—in asking to have a conversation and being clear that you’re looking to problem-solve together, you open up a dialogue where you don’t have to have all the answers. Most importantly, you’re coming from a place of connection, not criticism. In sharing your desire to stay close, you’re demonstrating your ongoing commitment to consistency and your willingness to have the difficult conversations that make friendships resilient.
One last thing: I notice you use words like “always”, “immediately”, and “whenever” when describing her tendency to deprioritize your friendship. I don’t doubt the chronicity or intensity of your experience and the impact this has on you. But when we subscribe to overgeneralizations (e.g., always, never) it makes it difficult to spot the moments when a friend does show up in the way we hope or the small changes those brave conversations spark. My advice to you is to stay open—be on the lookout for ways you can violate your own expectations (e.g., that your friend won’t reach out or will cancel plans). Make it a priority to pay attention—and call attention—to the moments when your friend does make your connection a priority. And make your gratitude loud. A simple, “It means so much to me to be able to spend this time together one-on-one. Thanks for making this happen,” might seem inconsequential or even undeserved, but it can go a long way towards reinforcing change and the closeness of your friendship.
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