Several years ago, “Girls” actor Jemima Kirke hosted a Q&A on her Instagram Stories, where she delivered a brutal read on our modern culture in a single answer. A fan asked what her advice was for “unconfident young women,” and she replied: “I think you guys might be thinking about yourselves too much.” The response, which was layered over a selfie of Kirke, became an instant-hit meme.
While Kirke’s response compared to the question might be on the harsher side, the truth is that some people do think about themselves too much. The key is distinguishing what’s a healthy sense of self-centeredness or self-reflection and what’s detrimental.
“Every single one of us can be self-centered or attention-seeking or defensive or maybe even insensitive at times,” said Sandra Yankah Addo, a psychologist at The Black Girl Doctor. “What clinicians are looking for is a persistent pattern that shows up repeatedly across relationships and situations over many years.”
Below, therapists share the signs that you think about yourself too much to the point that it’s affecting your life ― and maybe even teetering on the edge of narcissism:
1. You have trouble maintaining relationships with other people.
If your selfishness makes it hard to maintain relationships with other people, that is a sign that you do think about yourself too much, according to Yankah Addo.
“Reciprocity and being interested in other individuals is really central to having close and personal relationships with other people,” she said.
This doesn’t mean you have that one cousin you don’t talk to or an ex-friend you fell out with. Instead, this relationship trouble would exist across relationships of all sorts — at work, with friends and family.
2. You have a hard time showing interest in other people’s stories and opinions.
“I think most people spend a pretty significant amount of time thinking about themselves, but the most important question is whether they can also make room for other people’s thoughts, feelings and needs,” Yankah Addo said. “Self-focus itself is not inherently unhealthy, and in fact, there are periods and stages in life where an increase in self and self-focus is normal and healthy.”
This goes for stressful times, periods of major life transitions, illness, career changes and more, Yankah Addo added.
“The concern is when self-focus becomes more chronic and comes at the expense of things like empathy, accountability, or reciprocal relationships,” she said.
Sammyvision via Getty Images
There’s a difference between having a healthy amount of self-focus and a detrimental amount of it.
3. You can’t handle not being the center of attention.
Someone who is too self-centered will always find a way to turn a story or conversation back to being about them. Perhaps a friend is listening to you talk about your upcoming marathon, but butts in to talk about the time they ran a 5K.
While it can be natural to go back and forth in a conversation, there is no going back and forth with someone who thinks about themselves too much. Instead, the topic always revolves around them and their experiences because they can’t handle not being the focal point.
“If you’re not disproportionately becoming upset when you’re not the center of attention or having to constantly seek validation or reassurance or even just admiration from people around you,” said Yankah Addo, you likely aren’t struggling with this problem.
Someone who thinks about themselves too much is “consistently centering themselves, minimizing the experience of others,” said Danielle Costanzo, a licensed marriage and family therapist and founder of Havn Therapy Collective in Philadelphia.
Once again, it’s not the occasional self-focused anecdote that a friend is telling a story you can relate to. It’s the constant pattern of turning conversations that aren’t about you into stories about you, both therapists said.
4. You can’t apologize or take accountability when you are wrong.
A big sign that you think too much about yourself? Having conflicts but not being able to have any resolution or repair, according to Costanzo.
“If someone is overly self-focused, they can often have difficulty taking accountability or really apologizing well without over-explaining, defending themselves, minimizing the other person’s experience or recentering themselves,” she said.
Instead of offering a straightforward apology for a mistake or working on a relationship after a big fight, someone who is too self-focused may say something like, ‘Well, I guess I’m a shitty friend’ or ‘I guess I can’t do anything right,’” Costanzo said.
This brings the apology back to them instead of creating any real accountability. This also ties back to a lack of empathy, according to Yankah Addo.
“Unless you’re someone that genuinely struggles to take accountability when you’ve hurt someone, you likely are not within that spectrum of what we would think of as being even close to having [narcissistic personality disorder],” she said.
Focusing on your own needs, behaviors and boundaries can be really healthy when not done in excess.
“Interestingly, self-focus, being self-reflective, can sometimes be … really connective,” Costanzo explained.
Self-reflection can help build relationships. For example, if you worry that you said something bothersome after lunch with a friend and then follow up with that friend, it only brings your bond closer.
“Taking accountability for something you might have noticed about a social interaction, that’s a positive consequence of self-focus, whereas over self-focus is damaging to relationships,” Costanzo added.
For some people, self-focus of any sort may even feel uncomfortable.
“Any amount of self-focus or self-advocacy is bound to feel selfish in the context of a life where you’ve been self-sacrificing the entire time or focused only on others,” Costanzo said.
It’s healthy to be selfish and consider your needs first in certain situations, she said. This can allow you to set necessary boundaries with others and be attuned to your own needs, Costanzo said.
“I think that’s something I often find myself sort of gently nudging clients on, it’s like, no, you’re not in your ‘villain era,’ this is a healthy amount of selfishness. This is a healthy amount of self-advocacy,” she said.
People who grew up in situations where self-sacrifice was rewarded or even encouraged may feel narcissistic when they put their own needs first, Costanzo noted.
“And, no, this is you advocating for yourself. This is healthy, necessary,” Costanzo said.
Social media makes it hard not to center yourself.
Social media updates also muddy the water when it comes to fears of being too self-centered, according Yankah Addo.
“One of the ironies of social media is that it’s made people simultaneously more self-focused, but also more self-conscious in a way,” Yankah Addo explained.
It’s only natural to go on Instagram or Facebook and look at how many likes or positive comments we get.
“I think the difficult thing about social media is that it really can reinforce attention-seeking behaviors and really encourage people to curate idealized versions of themselves, because it’s oftentimes rewarded through things like praise, or even looking at social media influencers that get things like endorsements and products … and even just notoriety in general,” she said.
It’s easy to feel like that latest Facebook post is too self-focused or is just a way to boast, but, once again, not all self-advocacy is problematic.
But if you are someone who is concerned about how much attention you demand or worried that you make things about yourself too much, take a breath. If you are willing to sit there and examine your behavior and are concerned with taking away someone else’s thunder, “you have capacities that are inconsistent with what we would think of as being severely narcissistic or having a personality disorder,” Yankah Addo said.
“Most of us become self-centered at times, especially when we’re stressed or overwhelmed or insecure or struggling, but that’s very different from having a personality disorder, and you shouldn’t necessarily be quick to label yourself in that manner in every instance,” she said. “You have to look at the broader picture and look at the context and look at your behavior over time.”
