Name: World Naked Bike Ride.
Age: 22.
Appearance: A global celebration of potentially crushed genitalia.
Is it World Naked Bike Ride again already? Where does the time go? Well, the World Naked Bike Ride event in London already happened, last Sunday. I can’t believe you missed it.
Always the naked bridesmaid, never the naked bride. Don’t worry, though, because the repercussions of World Naked Bike Ride will carry on for weeks to come.
Really? Why’s that? Primarily because everyone is freaking out about the, er, let’s call them consequences of sharing a saddle with someone who has ridden it in the buff.
Oh. Oh. Yuck. I’m afraid so. Apparently, of the 1,000 cyclists who rode naked through the streets of London at the weekend, about half of them were using rental bikes. As such, social media is quickly filling up with people hyperventilating about saddle hygiene – issues such as sweat and fungal infections have been mentioned.
Well, World Naked Bike Ride sounds absolutely disgusting. That’s the thing, it really isn’t. This is the 22nd year that it has taken place in London, and nudity is always an optional aspect. People can take part fully dressed if they like.
Ah, World Ride a Bike With All Your Clothes On. That’ll grab the headlines. It’s held for an important reason, too.
Which is? Safety. In big cities that are dominated by cars, cyclists are physically vulnerable. Doing it with all your bits flapping around highlights this vulnerability as strongly as possible.
Why hasn’t there been this much fuss about it before? Oh, there has. Six cyclists were charged with public indecency when the event took place in Chicago in 2005. A man was removed from the event in Canterbury in 2015 after becoming too visibly excited. Last year, the Reform MP Lee Anderson called it a “freak show”.
That sounds like all the excuse I need to support it, then. However, this is the first time that hygiene has been used as a weapon. The rise of cycle hire schemes means that bikes now belong to everyone.
So now cyclists are also vulnerable to catching chlamydia from a saddle? No: from an infection control standpoint, the risk of catching a disease from a bike previously ridden by a naked person is vanishingly small.
Have the rental bike companies said anything? A spokesperson from Lime – one of the biggest e-bike rental companies in London – told the Metro: “As with any ride, we ask that people leave our bikes in the condition they’d want to find them. For safety reasons, we’d always encourage everyone to wear appropriate clothing when cycling.”
Do they at least clean them? According to the Metro, Lime bikes are “regularly” pressure-cleaned with recycled rainwater.
So it’s fine then? No, of course it’s not fine! It’s gross! Next time World Naked Bike Ride happens, bring your own bike. Or pop a shower cap over the saddle.
Do say: “Please leave your bikes in the condition you found them.”
Don’t say: “Drenched in someone else’s sweat.”
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