You’ve likely heard a lot about personality types (Type A, Type B) and personality traits (extrovert, introvert and even extroverted-introvert), but you likely haven’t heard much about humor types, of which there are four distinct styles.
The four styles of humor were created by clinical psychologist and humor researcher Rod Martin, who also developed a quiz to determine your humor type (and you may not fall squarely into one type, which is OK).
Your style of humor can offer insight into what makes you laugh, the comedy you tend to rely on when entertaining others and what that all says about you. Below, experts share more on the different humor styles along with why humor is so important in relationships:
1. Affiliative humor
Affiliative humor consists of the jokes and comedic tales that bring people together and bring everyone a sense of joy and community.
“I feel like this one of all [the humor styles] is probably the most relatable, because we just want people to feel included and comfortable,” said Hallie Kritsas, a licensed mental health counselor with Thriveworks.
This could look like telling a funny story about town gossip with neighbors or rehashing college memories with your junior year roommates. This type of humor is more about the connection than anything else, Kristas explained.
“I think it’s just about bringing people together about a shared experience,” she said.
The person leading this kind of humor is likely just doing it to deepen relationships and not as a way to draw attention to themselves, Kristas said. Those who rely on affiliative humor also tend to be more cheerful and outgoing, research shows.
2. Self-defeating humor
Self-defeating humor is humor where someone uses self-criticism or comments about themselves to invoke laughs.
“They’re making comments about oneself, kind of in a negative way. That could be for a variety of different reasons, but I think a lot of times when I see that with clients, even if somebody laughs, I think it’s stemming from an individual’s insecurity or low self-worth,” Kritsas said.
Kritsas said the motivation for this comes from the desire to make a joke or comment about something before someone else can. For instance, if someone is self-conscious about their weight, they may make a joke before a family member does.
It’s “really disheartening in a sense, because we shouldn’t be thinking these mean things about ourselves or making these mean comments about ourselves,” she said, nothing that there’s a pull to “make this joke about how I look or how much I weigh or how tall or short … then I can beat them to the punch.”
Since this type of humor likely stems from insecurities, Kritsas said she’d work with the client on building self-esteem and self-worth “so they don’t feel the need to use that self-defeating humor.”
Klaus Vedfelt via Getty Images
Humor in relationships allows for deeper connections and more intimacy.
3. Self-enhancing humor
The opposite of self-defeating humor is self-enhancing humor. This happens when someone can laugh at themselves or annoying situations in a way that isn’t self-deprecating, mean or minimizing.
For instance, “having a flat tire, running late to work, and just making it like, ‘Of course, today is the day that I would get a flat tire when I have a big meeting,’” Kritsas said. It’s the ability to laugh about the absurdity instead of chastising yourself.
According to Psychology Today, this type of humor occurs in folks who can cope well with stress.
4. Aggressive humor
You’re familiar with aggressive humor if you’ve ever heard (or made) a “comedic” jab like, “I’m glad you decided to dress nicely for once” or “I see you’re going back for a second helping of pie.”
“I see a lot of it in couples or dating or people who think that they’re being funny, so they’re using sarcasm, boasting or joking more so at someone’s expense,” Kritsas said.
These types of comments can be subtle, she added, and “I think a lot of times there’s not really foresight [that] this might bother somebody, and this might actually make them feel uncomfortable or make them feel ridiculed.”
Someone who does admit they’re offended may be told to “brush it off” or “I was just joking” by the person making the joke, but that doesn’t make the comment any less hurtful.
“I think people use aggressive humor so they can be that loud and funny and big person in the room,” said Kritsas, before adding that it’s also a way for people to get attention and thrive off of that attention. It can even be a comedic style that bullies use.
No matter what type of humor you have, levity in your relationships is important.
Humor has many benefits in relationships, life and society as a whole.
Shared humor creates emotional safety between you and another person, Kritsas said. It also allows for deeper emotional intimacy, said Aaron Kapin, a somatic experiencing practitioner at Self Space in Washington state.
“Part of … intimacy … is getting to know another person [and] having a map of that person, and knowing what is benign to them and what is a violation to them,” Kapin explained.
Perhaps with one friend you can make a joke about a certain topic, but with another, you know it’s too sensitive of a topic, Kapin said.
“As you get to know people, you can learn to calibrate to that person and better form what’s going to be funny versus what’s going to be annoying or harmful,” Kapin continued.
It shows you who you can be safe, secure and close with. More than that, humor also can help hard situations feel less tough.
“Life is challenging. There’s always going to be hard times in life, but if we are able, and if our community is able, to acknowledge the hard times of life and still be able to have these moments of joy, these moments of laughter … then it lightens the load a lot,” Kapin said.
If you don’t consider yourself funny, or perhaps lean toward a humor style that doesn’t make you or others feel good (aggressive or self-defeating), you can actually sharpen that skill.
“Humor can be developed as a skill, and it is literally something you can practice … and then you can get funnier,” Kapin said. “If you’re actually tuning in with people, and you’re making jokes at the times when people want to have the moment lightened and you’re doing it in a connected way, then it can be something that really enhances your relationships and makes life feel better.”
