I am in a relationship with a lovely man who I first dated when we were 19 and 20 years old respectively. Now in our mid-50s, we have been together for three years. We laugh a lot and enjoy doing lots of things together – his enthusiasm for travel matches mine.
The issue is he sleeps a lot – at least 10 hours a night but could be 12 hours. He could easily stay in bed until 1pm on any day off. This means when we are on one of our frequent trips away, we rarely get to do things together in the morning – a time I love. I’ve addressed it with him and he sometimes makes the effort, but then reverts back. We don’t live together and only see each other one day a week, so time is precious and I often end up waiting around for him to get up.
We’ve discussed living together but I don’t want to start resenting him. He is generally tardy, but so are loads of people so I’m trying not to be judgmental. We both have children but I am reluctant to do a blended family holiday because inevitably we would want to be up doing stuff while they stay in bed late – his daughter could still be in bed until 2pm. Should I accept that this situation won’t change?
Eleanor says: How many totally loving relationships have trouble in bed, like actual bed, sleep bed? We insist that love, an activity between people who can make respectful choices around one another, involves sleeping – which does not. So issues like this can become huge problems.
I hear a lot of frustration in your letter, but it’s important to distinguish a frustrating issue from one we can make moral judgements about. Sleep is not really a moral issue. It might be, if this were ultimately a disagreement about how much one should want to get up and on with the day (how much of the bed time is screen time?). But otherwise, there are so many causes here that aren’t up to him. People come in different circadian varieties. Medications such as antidepressants can mess with your sleep cycle; depression itself can too; or it could be just a bona fide difference in preference.
After all, he could equally say: “I need 10 hours of sleep. I just do, I always have. My partner is always asking me to make an effort to wake up earlier, but if I do, I don’t get to stay late at the pub with my friends, which is really important to me, or do things late at night – a time I feel my best. And because she always wants to go to bed earlier than me, I spend the most fun parts of my day without her. We can’t watch a movie starting after 9.30pm, or stay out late with evening plans, as she wants to get up early. Our time together is precious, but she won’t stay up later with me, or accept a slower start in the mornings. What should I do?”
A divergence between you is just that: a divergence. It doesn’t necessarily tell you what has to give way to resolve it. With sleep, as with any other morally neutral lifestyle preferences, we have to be careful not to take for granted that our preferred way is objectively better. I’m with you that 1pm is excessive, and culturally we prize the early morning as a sign of virtue; to you and to me they feel like crisp energetic potential. But to some people they really are wretched, just like some people need to sleep freezing or warm, with or without the light on, the window open or quadruple bolts on the door. Imagine someone wanting to change your sleep preferences and see how impossible it feels.
Like so many other parts of romantic life together, the goal might not be to resemble each other more closely, but to find the cooperative space between you. His sleeping preferences may not change, but how each of you responds still can.
The reader’s letter has been edited for length.
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