The friends-to-lovers pipeline—or the canon event where two long-term friends wind up dating—has long been a beloved romance trope. There’s a reason movies like When Harry Met Sally and My Best Friend’s Wedding have stood the test of time. But in an era where 78% of singles report dating app burnout, many are no longer seeing it just as a storyline—but instead as a potential solution to their single status.
Not only does pursuing a romantic relationship with a friend bypass the endless swiping and small talk that define app-based courtship, but it can also offer a lower-pressure path to building a romantic connection, Carolina Pataky, PhD, LMFT, a sexologist and cofounder of South Florida’s Love Discovery Institute, tells SELF. While online dating requires you to assess chemistry and compatibility lickity-split, transitioning from friends into partners allows attraction to develop over time, often in a more grounded and sustainable way, she says.
More than just an antidote to dating app fatigue, “dating someone who starts as a friend comes with a built-in foundation that most app-based relationships have to work to create,” sex and dating expert Nicole McNichols, PhD, a professor of human sexuality at the University of Washington and author of You Could Be Having Better Sex, tells SELF. “You already know how this person communicates, how they handle stress, what their values are, and how they show up in everyday life.” That kind of insight can be predictive of long-term compatibility, yet it’s often hard to gauge in the early stages of a Bumble chat, she says.
And that’s only part of it. Ahead, experts break down why this shift can feel so compelling and give tips for handling those, “Wait… do I have feelings??” moments with care.
Why dating your friends can actually work
Shifting from friends to paramours gives you the gifts of time and context in the way other origin stories simply don’t—or can’t!
You’re beginning with connection, rather than a checklist.
“When you meet someone on an app, there’s often an implicit sense of evaluation—you’re both trying to present your best selves while assessing whether the other person meets your criteria,” Dr. McNichols explains. If you’ve ever felt someone assessing you on their mental checklist on a first date, you know this dynamic is about as fun as, well, getting a colonoscopy. And it doesn’t feel good to be on the other side of it, either: On a date, you want to be present and relaxed, not totaling points towards compatibility. When romance builds from a friendship, however, there isn’t that same knee-jerk judgement, making it easier for connection to develop from a place that feels more natural and authentic, adds Dr. Pataky.
