In theory, everyone says they want to be with someone easygoing: The perfect man won’t argue, won’t overreact, and will just go along with whatever you want, which sounds peaceful. But lately, the internet’s “plastic bag theory” has been making a compelling case for why those breezy, agreeable partners can end up being the most exhausting ones to date.
The idea comes from men’s relationship coach and motivational speaker Alessandro Frosali, who compared some low-maintenance partners to, well, plastic bags in a viral video. “You don’t initiate. You don’t plan things,” Frosali declares of the plastic bag man. “You just go with the flow and wait for her to make all the plans in the relationship.” He goes on to put it more bluntly: “What that practically feels like for a woman is living with a man who has the spine of a flaccid plastic bag going down the river…. It just goes along.” Yikes.
At first, that kind of “chill” can be alluring, “especially if you’re used to a volatile or hot-blooded guy or you’re coming out of a chaotic relationship,” Sabrina Romanoff, PsyD, a clinical psychologist based in New York City, tells SELF. “So the absence of initial friction reads as security.”
But as you might notice over time, being “easy” can, in some cases, be a convenient cover for not caring—and carrying less of the mental load. When a person has no real preferences, no urgency to decide, and no instinct to step up, that misplaced effort doesn’t just disappear. Instead, it lands on the other person in the relationship, who is suddenly booking every reservation, initiating any conversation that has to do with budgeting or whether this relationship is going anywhere, and circling back on the thing he said he’d handle—while he, like a plastic bag, merrily drifts along.
According to experts, someone can be easygoing without being passive, or flexible while also staying engaged. In other words, just because he’s chill doesn’t mean he’s detached—there’s a line. So here are the biggest red flags that someone is a “plastic bag” man, and signs of a healthier partner to look for instead.
He doesn’t take initiative.
Taking initiative doesn’t mean being controlling or rigid, Dr. Romanoff says. It just means showing effort and investment without needing to be asked. He should text first because he wants to talk. He notices when you’re upset and is mindful to bring it up before it becomes a full-blown issue.
