Key Takeaways
- Monkey branching happens when someone swings from one relationship to another, keeping the next one lined up before letting go of the previous one.
- This behavior is often driven by insecurity, fear of being alone, or attachment issues.
- While it doesn’t always look like full-blown cheating, it usually involves a breach of trust that can feel just as hurtful.
Ever notice how some people swing from one relationship to the next, with no time in between? This pattern is called monkey branching. Like a monkey swings from one branch to another, some people jump from one relationship to the next, testing the new branch and getting a firm grip on it before letting go of the old one.
“Monkey branching is basically emotional hedging,” says Sabrina Romanoff, PsyD, a clinical psychologist. “The person wants to make sure there’s another branch to latch on to before they risk breaking up with their current partner.”
What Are the Signs?
Monkey branching can be tricky to pinpoint because the signs are often much subtler than outright cheating. If you think your partner might be monkey branching, these are some of the red flags to look out for:
- They’re emotionally detached: You get the sense that your partner is distant, distracted, or emotionally unavailable. It feels like they’ve checked out of the relationship.
- Their priorities have changed: Your partner might start making less time for you and the things the two of you normally do together. Plans with you feel like an afterthought, while they’re putting effort into new people or activities that don’t include you.
- Their schedule is busier: They might suddenly have new hobbies, or “work events” that didn’t exist before. They’re out more often and tend to be vague when you ask them where they were or how they spent their time.
- They keep mentioning a “new friend”: They may frequently talk about and/or spend time with a new colleague, friend, or gym buddy, but are overly defensive or secretive when you ask them about this new friendship.
- They’re acting secretive: They’ve suddenly become very private with their online activity. They’ve started becoming more protective of their phone or computer, password-protecting their devices, turning their screen away while texting, or reacting defensively when you ask who they are talking to.
- They avoid conversations about the future: They’re very non-committal when it comes to talking about the future. They avoid discussions about any long-term goals, trips, or plans that might signify a future with you.
- They’re picking fights. They might become overly critical of you or the relationship to justify their desire to leave and ease their own guilt. This can be a form of self-sabotage, creating an excuse for the breakup.
- They’re quick to move on after the breakup: If they’re in a new relationship almost immediately after the two of you break up, chances are they were already building that connection beforehand.
What’s the Psychology Behind Monkey Branching?
People usually engage in monkey branching because it feels safer to have the next relationship lined up before letting go of the current one. We asked the experts to help us unpack the psychology behind this behavior:
- Fear of being alone: Some people are terrified of being single, so they always make sure they have a backup lined up. “People who engage in this behavior don’t do it to be cruel. They do it out of fear, because they don’t want to be alone,” says Dr. Romanoff.
- Low self-esteem: Some people have low self-esteem and feel insecure on their own. They believe that having a partner increases their value and sense of validation, says Dr. Romanoff.
- Anxious or avoidant attachment style: People with anxious or avoidant attachment styles may struggle to fully commit to a new relationship or let go of an existing relationship that isn’t serving them, so they cling to a safety net instead.
- Conflict avoidance: Ending a relationship, especially a long-term one, is emotionally draining and difficult. Monkey branching provides a way to bypass this uncomfortable process by shifting the focus to a new person.
- Lack of fulfillment: The person might have unmet emotional, physical, or intellectual needs that they are unable to address with their partner. Rather than communicating these issues and working on them, they look for someone else to provide what’s missing.
- Need for excitement: For some, the thrill of new attention or flirting feels irresistible, even while they’re still in a relationship. They may have poor impulse control and struggle to resist the excitement of a new romantic connection.
Reaching out to another partner before letting go of our current one can stem from many places within us—our instinct for survival, the loneliness we fear, the uncertainty of the future, the conflicts we wish to avoid, and the potential pain we anticipate feeling.
—
CLAUDIA DE LLANO, MFT
Is Monkey Branching the Same as Cheating?
Monkey branching might not always look like full-blown cheating, but it’s definitely crossing a line. If your partner is already texting, flirting, or emotionally leaning on someone else before breaking up with you, that’s a major betrayal of trust.
We asked the relationship experts to weigh in, and they unanimously agree that monkey branching is definitely cheating.
When you’re in a committed relationship, including a third party without the consent of a partner infringes on that commitment, says Claudia de Llano, MFT.
Dr. Romanoff says the combination of breaking an agreement regarding exclusivity and breaching trust qualifies it as cheating. “When your partner is secretly investing their energy and attention in others, the deception can feel devastating,” she explains.
How to Cope If You’ve Been Monkey Branched
If you’ve been on the receiving end of monkey branching, it can sting because it basically feels like you’ve been replaced before the relationship is even over. Here are some ways to handle it:
- Acknowledge the hurt: Don’t try to tough it out or pretend you’re fine. It’s okay to feel angry, sad, confused, rejected, hurt, and blindsided. Give yourself permission to grieve. Cry, scream into a pillow, vent to a trusted friend, or write your feelings in a journal. Let it out in a way that is healthy for you.
- Remember that it’s not your fault: Monkey branching, along with other types of cheating, is not about the victim, rather the cheater who is outrunning their own fears, says Dr. Romanoff. “Cheating is about the fear of rejection, inferiority, and being alone. It’s about their imperfections, not your value.”
- Cut off contact: To truly heal, you need distance. Watching your ex swing into their new relationship will only make it harder to move on. If possible, block them on your phone and all social media platforms. Avoid asking mutual friends for updates, even if it’s tempting. Follow the no-contact rule until you’ve healed and moved on.
- Don’t compare yourself to the new person: It’s easy to fall into the trap of wondering what they have that you don’t. The truth is, it’s not about you. Their “next branch” doesn’t mean they’ve upgraded—it just means they’re scared to be alone and couldn’t stand to be single.
- Lean on your support system: Spend time with friends and family who make you feel loved and valued. Talk to them about what you’re going through.
- Focus on self-care: Rebuild your confidence with activities, goals, routines, and relationships that remind you of who you are outside of the relationship.
- Consider therapy if you’re struggling: A mental health professional can provide a safe space for you to process the trauma of betrayal and abandonment. They can work with you on any trust issues and help you develop more secure relationships.
How to Know If You’re Monkey Branching
We tend to think of monkey branching as something others do, but it’s worth asking ourselves whether we’re doing it too. Here are some signs you might be monkey branching:
- Your relationship is deteriorating: Monkey branching often goes hand-in-hand with a decline in your current relationship. Things with your partner have changed, and not for the better. You don’t feel as connected to your partner anymore, and you’ve mentally checked out of the relationship.
- You’ve got a backup plan: You have someone in your life who you’re physically attracted to and emotionally invested in, and you’re starting to think of them as your next partner. The idea of being single feels scary, so having someone else lined up gives you comfort.
- You’re crossing boundaries: You’re building a bond with someone new. Even if it hasn’t turned physical, you’re texting, DMing, flirting, or leaning on them in ways that cross emotional boundaries.
- You’re fantasizing about someone else: You spend a lot of time thinking about the new person, imagining a life with them, and getting excited at the prospect of seeing them. You’re constantly asking yourself “What if” when you think about a future with them.
- You’re hiding things: Deep down, you know what you’re doing is wrong, and you’re trying to hide your actions from your partner. You’re not telling them the whole truth, you’re hiding your messages from them, and you’re not being honest about where you’ve been or who you’ve been with.
- You’re comparing your partner to someone else: You catch yourself thinking about how the new person might be a better fit for you than your current partner.
- You’re not working on your relationship: Rather than working on issues with your current partner, you’re just waiting for an excuse to leave the relationship, because you know there’s another option waiting.
What This Means For You
Whether you’ve been monkey-branched or are the one monkey branching, working with a therapist can be a helpful way to address issues you might be having with your partner or your relational patterns.
Verywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read our editorial process to learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.
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