My husband and I are in our 60s. We have been married for 40 years, some of it happily, some not so much. Our children are grown up and gone, and we have recently retired. Some of our tensions over the years have been around my husband’s tendency to be undermining and belittling. He claims not to understand why I might find certain things upsetting, yet refuses to engage with couples counselling (apparently I would tell lies). We have muddled through and mostly get on well now, though he dislikes most of my friends and siblings, and won’t socialise with them. To be fair, he is self-contained and doesn’t seem to need friends in the way I do – he has one friend.
A few months ago, an ex-colleague got in touch with my husband and asked to meet for coffee. They met, had a long lunch, and my husband mentioned a few weeks later that they were arranging to meet again as he had enjoyed the catchup. I was a bit thrown. I found it odd that she couldn’t confide in her partner or friends, but my husband exploded and we had one of our worst, most vicious arguments in years. He accused me of not wanting him to have friends (the opposite is true) and threw up the fact that I have platonic male friends; true, but my male friends and I go back 30-plus years and we don’t meet one-to-one. This just feels a bit out of character and potentially inappropriate.
I have never felt a twinge of jealousy before in our 40 years together, but I do now. I accept it could just be that I’m not used to him having friends, as he said. I think what is upsetting me most is that he just can’t (or is pretending not to) see that I may have a point. Anyway, they remain in touch by text and are meeting again. I don’t know what to think. Am I going mad?
No, you’re not going mad. Of course people can have platonic friends of either sex. This really isn’t the issue here. The problem is that you aren’t comfortable and your husband isn’t reassuring you.
I went to the UKCP-registered psychotherapist Sumeet Grover. “From what you describe,” he said, “there seems to be a pattern in your relationship where your needs and concerns have been devalued and dismissed by your husband.”
What I see repeatedly is when one partner has too much shame and guilt, they can deflect that on to the other person
Maybe he does want new friends, maybe his new friend makes him feel needed and he’s embarrassed about that, maybe he’s realising that having friends outside the main relationship is actually quite nice, and doesn’t want to hear you say: “I told you so.” But whatever might be happening between your husband and his new friend, it’s what is happening between you and him that matters here.
“You are left with questions, and quite valid ones,” points out Grover, “because a healthy and secure relationship requires a couple to communicate openly, with respect, while holding each other’s feelings and concerns in mind.”
What I see repeatedly is when one partner has too much shame and guilt, they can deflect that on to the other person, which is what your husband is doing here. Grover and I thought your concerns were valid.
Perhaps you are putting the doubt back on to yourself because you are used to it. And maybe it is time to stop doing this. If my husband had a history of undermining me and not wanting to make me feel better, I might see this as an opportunity to ask myself why I was with this man. I repeat: you’re not going mad. We have instincts for a reason.
Every week, Annalisa Barbieri addresses a personal problem sent in by a reader. If you would like advice from Annalisa, please send your problem to ask.annalisa@theguardian.com. Annalisa regrets she cannot enter into personal correspondence. Submissions are subject to our terms and conditions. The latest series of Annalisa’s podcast is available here.
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