Key Takeaways
- Breakups can cause feelings of rejection, hurt, and sadness, which are natural but difficult to process in daily life.
- Heartbreak triggers physical symptoms like anxiety attacks, changes in eating and sleeping habits, and fatigue.
- Going through a breakup involves moving through the grief process, which includes denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.
I was 16 the first time I had my heart broken. After he ended things, my heart felt like it went through a meat grinder. I ached every time I thought of our first date, our inside jokes, the smell of his cologne. Nothing physically was happening to me, and yet, I felt waves of pain as my heart slowly mended itself back together. What was going on in my brain and body?
The Emotional Impact of Heartbreak
Failure and disappointment were the first emotions. I thought I let myself down by not being the best girlfriend in the world.
Because if I were, he wouldn’t have left me
I felt like I had lost a part of myself. I was left picking up the pieces of myself, the person I was before the relationship.
Emily Mashburn, LMHC, who specializes in relationship trauma, divorce, and relationship issues explains that a breakup can impact us in multiple ways including emotionally, psychologically, and physically.
“Emotionally, when we go through a breakup we may be more inclined to feel feelings like rejection, hurt, and sadness,” she notes. “Though it is natural to feel these emotions, it is still incredibly hard to process [them] while continuing to go about your day-to-day life.”
Neurological Effects
Dr. Sabrina Romanoff, clinical psychologist, professor, and Verywell Mind review board member, explains that breakups are a major loss that affects our mind and body similar to experiencing the death of a loved one.
From an evolutionary perspective, humans are wired to form intense bonds of emotional connection to ensure survival. Historically, we regulated our nervous system by securing protection in numbers, pair bonding, and finding a steady place in the community free from danger.
What Your Brain ~Feels~ During Heartbreak
“When that powerful attachment relationship ends , our nervous system becomes dysregulated , and we experience the perils of isolation, abandonment, and rejection, which in primordial times would be a matter of life or death,” explains Dr. Romanoff.
Mashburn shares that grief is often harder for us to emotionally and psychologically understand.
“When we go through a breakup, we have essentially lost a big part of what had been our life and finding a new normal and grieving our old life can be particularly challenging,” she adds.
Physical Manifestations of Heartbreak
Mashburn says that a breakup can cause us to feel physical sensations like anxiety attacks, changes in eating and sleeping habits, stomach issues, and fatigue. The physical symptoms often coincide with the mental issues, making a break-up feel both physically and emotionally draining.
Dr. Romanoff adds that people often experience the grief process through a breakup on a physical level. This includes psychomotor vegetation and agitation (a state where a person experiences fluctuations in brain activity like restlessness, fidgeting, fast-talking, or the opposite).
“These [physical] symptoms can feel so distressing that people can begin to lose their hair, lose/gain a significant amount of weight, suffer from hormonal changes, and have less dopamine production,” she says.
Mental Health Consequences
Healing a broken heart isn’t as simple as getting over it. Dr. Romanoff explains that multiple layers of loss must be processed during a breakup including residual thoughts of your partner, their potential, and the shared future you once believed in. Breakups also trigger the return to “single life.” This may mean facing a difficult area of your life—like your career, friendships, or family—you once avoided when you were in a relationship.
Dr. Romanoff says that during a breakup, people tend to move through the grief process, which can include denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. People also tend to perseverate over the relationship, relive it, and have intrusive thoughts of the good and bad times. This can unconsciously keep the relationship alive and contribute to feelings of “being stuck” and unable to move on.
Coping Strategies and Recovery
There isn’t a one-size-fits-all to recovering from a breakup. I don’t know anyone who hasn’t had their heart broken, so you’re not alone if you’re going through one now. Here are some coping strategies that have worked for me and many others:
Give Yourself Time to Heal
Nothing helps more than time. Mashburn echoes this, noting that recovering from heartbreak takes time and grace for oneself. Everyone heals at their own pace and giving yourself time to feel your feelings, cope, and recover from a broken heart is essential.
“Often, we put a timeline on our healing which ultimately causes us more harm, [such as feeling] shame, depression and anxiety,” she says. “This is due to internalizing and feeling as though there is something wrong with us when in the end, there is no “right time” to be over an ex-partner.”
Create New Routines
Dr. Romanoff recommends creating new routines while recovering from heartbreak. For instance, instead of spending your weekends with your partner, you now decide how you’ll spend your time and energy. Pick up a hobby that you used to love or always wanted to try. Be active and find a way to move your body in a way that feels good to you.
Get Social
I only hung out with my boyfriend and ignored my friends during that teenage relationship. Breaking up meant that my social life also ended. I needed to either get back with my old friends or make new ones. At the time, that seemed insurmountable; however, I started talking and reconnecting with people and my social circle grew. When my heart broke the next time, I had friends who were there for me no matter what.
“Re-engage in relationships that may have been neglected during your relationship,” advises Dr. Romanoff. “Lean on your social support network to process, vent, and work through the breakup.”
Treat Yourself With Compassion
Research shows that after a breakup, those who use self-help (expressing emotions and maintaining emotional well-being), approach (problem-solving), and accommodation (having a positive mindset) coping strategies are less likely to experience depressive and anxiety symptoms. However, those who engaged in avoidance behaviors like denial and moving away from the problem and self-punishment habits such as blaming themselves and rumination had the opposite effect.
Therefore, treating myself with compassion was the best thing that worked for me over my many broken hearts. Tell yourself you are worthy of love, you will move forward and your heart will mend.
If you’re finding it tough to get through the day and have trouble feeling like yourself again, don’t hesitate to reach out to a mental health professional. They can help guide you through the healing process and give you the support you need.
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