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Whitney Port, 40, is opening up about becoming a caregiver for her mom, who has experienced a decline in cognitive health. The former reality TV star, best known for her time on The Hills, is also raising an 8-year-old son, making her a sandwich caregiver—a term for someone “sandwiched” between caring for aging parents and young kids.
These sandwich caregivers face an increased risk of mental and physical decline from the stress of intense caregiving. In an interview with Health, Port shared her experience so that others in similar situations—about a quarter of Americans—can know “it’s OK to ask for help, to feel overwhelmed, to not have all the answers.”
About a year ago, Port and her siblings started to notice changes in her mom. Instead of one “aha” moment, Port said little behaviors—”repeated stories, forgotten details, moments where she just didn’t seem quite like herself”—started to add up.
“The turning point was seeing how much harder everyday tasks were becoming for her and how much energy it took all of us to help her stay organized and safe,” Port said. That’s when she and her siblings started providing regular care and arranged at-home care when they weren’t available.
Port said starting the conversation about caregiving with her mom was emotional—no parent wants to feel like they’re losing independence. It wasn’t perfect, Port reflected, but they were gentle and honest, and led with love. “Instead of saying ‘you need help,’ we tried to say things like, ‘we want you to feel supported, and we want to enjoy our time together instead of always problem-solving,'” Port said.
As adult children start to care for aging parents, sibling tension can become an additional stressor, research has found. Disagreements over decisions, roles, and responsibilities can pile on to the stress and erode relationships, as well as the parent’s care. Port, who’s one of five siblings, shared how her family’s been able to find a rhythm.
Early in the process, her siblings would have weekly calls to discuss what their mom needed, who could take on what, and what was next. “They were emotional and sometimes tear-filled,” Port said. “At one point, it felt like every sibling conversation revolved around caregiving.”
Eventually, they started to divide and conquer: One sibling handles the medical side, another manages the home tasks, and another checks in emotionally. “My advice is to over-communicate, assume good intentions, and remember that everyone’s processing the changes in their own way,” Port added. “No one will show up the same way, and that’s OK.”
As a sandwich caregiver, Port’s day-to-day life is “a mix of school drop-offs, work, calls with my siblings, checking in on my mom, and trying to squeeze in a few moments that just feel like ‘me,'” she said. “I’m learning that the goal isn’t balance, it’s presence.”
When she was learning to manage the chaos, Port said one tool that helped was Care.com’s Senior Care Advisor service (Care.com is owned by Health’s parent company, IAC). Port and her siblings were paired with a master’s-level social worker who provided personalized guidance and connected them with the at-home caregiver.
“Caregiving comes with so many unknowns, from what’s available to what’s covered to what you don’t even know to ask—having someone to talk things through with made such a difference,” Port said. “It felt like having a partner in the process, which took a lot of the fear and guesswork out.”
Beyond sorting out the daily logistics of caregiving, Port has had to manage the many emotions that have come up: “Sadness, guilt, gratitude, overwhelm—sometimes all in an hour,” she said. Research suggests that sandwich caregivers may be more susceptible to a decline in mental health. For Port, it’s helped to acknowledge these emotions and talk about them instead of bottling them up.
But the stress can still take a physical toll. Port said it shows up in her body through “tightness in my chest, restless sleep, and that constant, low-level hum of worry.” She’s been able to find relief for these symptoms by walking, getting outside, and connecting with others. “I’m learning to check in with my body before I hit the point of burnout, not after,” she added.
Overall, sandwich caregiving can be isolating and physically and emotionally daunting, but Port hopes that sharing her experience will make others feel less alone. “What finally made me want to share was realizing how many people are in the same place, raising kids, working, caring for parents, and trying to hold it all together emotionally,” she said. “Caregiving is one of the most loving things you can do, but it’s also one of the hardest. Talking about it makes it a little lighter for all of us.”
