Key Takeaways
- Whether you’re swiping for a soulmate or just dipping your toes into the dating pool, red flags like ghosting, monkey branching, negging, and others are just a few of the ones to keep in mind.
- While you can’t control how others behave, you can control how you respond.
- Remember, you deserve to be treated with respect. Set boundaries, swipe smart, stay safe, and protect your peace at all costs. Don’t settle for anything less than you deserve.
Let’s be real, dating apps can be a wild (and exhausting) ride. At best, they can be fun and exciting, leading to genuine connections and lasting love. At worst, they can bring out some seriously sketchy behavior that can leave us feeling hurt, confused, or frustrated.
“The anonymity of dating apps allows people to hide, pretend, string us along, never get back to us, tell us they’re looking for something different than what they really want, and just create plain overwhelm and confusion,” says Claudia de Llano, LMFT, a licensed marriage and family therapist and author of “The Seven Destinies of Love.”
As you interact with people on apps and set up dates, watch out for these potentially harmful behaviors—they don’t bode well for the potential for lasting love.
Monkey Branching
Monkey branching is when someone lines up a potential partner to “test the waters” before breaking things off with their current partner, or swinging from one relationship to the next.
For example, you may be talking to someone for a while who you thought had recently broken things off with their partner. Turns out, they’re still with their partner, but keeping you warm while trying to figure out if it’s worth the jump—a subtle move that many experts believe is essentially cheating.
Ghosting
Ghosting is essentially when someone suddenly cuts off all communication without any explanation.
For example, you’ve been chatting with someone for weeks, or even dating them, and then—poof—the person disappears, ignoring your calls and texts. They’ve suddenly vanished, like a ghost.
Ghosting can be incredibly hurtful. It leaves you feeling rejected, confused, and wondering what you did wrong. If you’ve been ghosted, you may be tempted to believe the other person doesn’t value you enough to provide closure or an ending, says clinical psychologist Sabrina Romanoff, PsyD.
Breadcrumbing
Breadcrumbing is when someone gives you just enough attention to keep you hooked, but never actually commits to anything.
They might send flirty texts or like your pictures occasionally, but every time you try to make plans, chances are they conveniently “forget” or bail on you at the last minute.
Breadcrumbing can be incredibly frustrating because you’re unsure of where you stand with the person. It often feels like a rollercoaster of suspense—the highs when the person makes contact feel euphoric, keeping you pecking along the trail for the crumbs of affection the person gives you, says Dr. Romanoff.
Ultimately, you waste a lot of emotional energy waiting for something that’s never going to happen.
Love Bombing
Love bombing is when someone overwhelms you with excessive affection, compliments, and promises early on to gain your trust quickly.
For example, someone you’ve just started talking to online is constantly showering you with compliments, bombarding you with gifts, telling you they love you, and planning their future with you.
While it might seem flattering at first, love bombing is a manipulative tactic used to gain control. It often leads to emotional manipulation or disappointment when the person pulls away just as suddenly.
Benchwarming
Benchwarming is when someone keeps you as a backup option while pursuing other people more seriously.
For example, the person may only text you sporadically, either when they’re bored or when their primary interest is unavailable.
This behavior can make you feel undervalued, like you’re not a priority but just a placeholder in their dating life.
Ghost-Lighting
Ghost-lighting is a mix of ghosting and gaslighting, where someone ghosts you and then pretends it never happened if they resurface later.
The person may disappear for weeks, then suddenly pop back in like nothing happened, acting confused if you bring it up.
This can leave you feeling manipulated and questioning your own perception of the situation.
Cheating
Unfortunately, some people use dating apps despite being in committed relationships, which can be a form of cheating.
The person may tell you they’re single, but they may actually be using the app behind their partner’s back.
This behavior is dishonest and disrespectful to both the person they’re dating and to you.
Negging
Negging involves giving backhanded compliments or subtle insults.
For example, someone tells you they like your dress, but then adds, “It’s a little last season, but you pull it off.”
Negging is a form of emotional abuse that can chip away at your self-worth and make you feel insecure.
Catfishing
Catfishing occurs when someone creates a fake profile or pretends to be someone else to deceive you.
For instance, someone may use heavily edited pictures that don’t look like them at all, claim they’re a doctor when they’re not, or even pretend to be a completely different person.
Catfishing makes you question your judgment, doubt your ability to pick a partner, lose faith in others, and avoid emotional vulnerability in the future, Dr. Romanoff explains.
Trolling
Trolling is when someone intentionally provokes, insults, or upsets you, just to get a reaction out of you.
On dating apps, this could involve sending rude or offensive messages, making derogatory comments about your profile, cracking inappropriate jokes, or even sharing suggestive images.
Trolling can be deeply upsetting, making you feel humiliated, attacked, and even unsafe.
Bullying
Cyberbullying can occur on any digital platform, including dating apps. Bullying on dating apps is very common unfortunately and tends to happen early on, says Dr. Romanoff.
It could involve harassment, insults, or comments that are designed to make you feel bad about yourself.
When you experience dating-related trauma, dating apps can feel like a negative, scary, and dangerous place.
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SABRINA ROMANOFF, PSYD
Bullying can cause people to experience immense shame, says Dr. Romanoff. “In these situations, they tend to not share what they’ve experienced with loved ones, which only entrenches them further with their bully, making it harder to leave.”
If you’re experiencing bullying or abuse, it’s important to talk to someone trusted, get support, and seek safety, says de Llano.
Bottom Line
Trust your gut, says de Llano. If something feels off—like someone’s profile seems fake, their behavior is inconsistent, or they’re pushing you too fast—listen to your instincts. Don’t ignore red flags just because you’re excited about a match.
If someone’s behavior is throwing up red flags, don’t hesitate to unmatch or block them. You’re in control of your experience.
