Sex is often thought of as a series of physical actions—touching, kissing…you get the idea. But one of the surprisingly hottest things you can bring into the bedroom? Questions.
Talking about intimacy might not feel like the steamiest part of foreplay or aftercare. But believe it or not, “communication before and after sex builds on psychological safety with your partner,” Michael Stokes, LMHC, LPC, AASECT-certified sex therapist at Rhode Island Sex Therapy, tells SELF. “You can discuss your boundaries and desires, and this level of connection can enhance pleasure.” It’s also a great opportunity to talk about what you enjoyed, Stokes says, and show gratitude for the experience.
Of course, as natural as acting out your desires can be, we understand that actually discussing them can get pretty awkward. So one tip that Indigo Stray Conger, LMFT, AASECT-certified sex therapist at Mile High Psychotherapy in Colorado, tells SELF: Don’t think of it as a serious interrogation or formal sit-down.
“Allow your conversation to be collaborative and explorative, rather than a grill session,” Conger says—meaning, no nitpicky critiques (“You use way too much tongue”) or scorekeeping (“I always initiate first—can’t you start?”). Rather, “discussing sex isn’t about finding the secret trick to getting your partner off; it’s figuring out how your styles mesh and how you can be curious and excited together in an erotic space,” Conger points out.
Wondering how to break the ice? Here are a few expert-approved sex questions to ask your partner get the conversation—and the chemistry—going.
- What’s your favorite way for me to initiate?
- How do you feel about our current frequency—too much, too little, just right?
- What can I say or do to turn you on more?
- What are your instant turn-offs?
- What’s your idea of exciting foreplay?
- Do you enjoy being teased a little before things get intense—like a slower build?
- What’s something you wish I’d do more often during sex? Is there anything you’re curious to explore but have been afraid to bring up?
- What’s something non-sexual that turns you on?
- Are there any sex toys that look exciting or that you’d want to try together?
- How important is orgasming to your sexual experience?
- What’s your favorite part of our sex life so far?
- Is there a song or type of music that tends to get you in the mood?
- Are there any positions you want to do more of—or experiment with for the first time?
- What’s one fantasy you’ve thought about but haven’t shared yet? Would you want to try it with me?
- How do you feel about sexting?
- What about dirty talk during sex? Or do you prefer not talking at all?
- What’s your favorite time of day to have sex?
- What are your thoughts on scheduling sex versus keeping it spontaneous?
- If you could have the perfect “date night” that leads to amazing sex, what would it include?
- What’s your favorite thing to do after sex? Cuddle? Talk? Watch TV?
- Is there a sexual memory of ours that stands out as especially meaningful? Tell me what you liked.
- When you’re stressed or overwhelmed, does sex feel helpful? Or more like another thing to worry about?
- What’s something small I could do outside the bedroom to help us feel more connected?
- Do you like giving each other feedback—about what feels good, what we want more or less of? Or does that sound awkward to you?
- What’s one sexy tradition we could start together—weekly, monthly, whenever?
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