I’m 15, and in a six-month relationship with my boyfriend who has a very toxic home life. This has given him significant mental health issues.
He gets upset by little things, and struggles to move on, catastrophising small disagreements, thinking I hate him and saying he’ll self-harm. He has a really strong sense of self: he hates people being better than him at anything he cares about, and is obsessed with looks. The real issue for me is that I often feel I’m walking on eggshells: I can’t tell him about achievements or he’ll get upset; I soften any viewpoint I’m worried he won’t like; I can’t tell him he upset me without him getting extremely defensive.
I do not want to lose him. He’s really thoughtful, caring, beautiful and profound. He always checks for consent before doing anything sexual (nothing much as we’re both underage); he cares for me if I’m upset, gives me advice, makes me feel confident in myself and happy. But I’m worried about the coming weeks, as I’m going on holiday and I know I’ll have to reassure him I love him every two days, feeling guilty for just having a nice time.
I feel so strongly in love, and don’t want to break up with him. I’d really like some strategies to help him feel better, be less sensitive, and avoid triggers without it being exhausting.
It’s never too early or late in life to start asking the right questions and here, as my specialist this week, the UKCP-registered child and adolescent psychotherapist Sara Anton says, the questions you might want to ask are: “What does a healthy relationship looks like? Is this a healthy relationship, and if not why not? If you are looking after your boyfriend’s needs all the time, how can you take care of your needs? And how does it feel to do so much caretaking at this point in your life?”
You sound incredibly mature, astute and sensitive, but the flipside is that you will attract people who look to you to fulfil things lacking in themselves. It’s also never too early or late to learn about boundaries.
From what you say, this relationship is more intense than is healthy and it’s taking a toll on you. Aspects of it sound coercive
I hear that you are really in love; as Anton points out: “At 15 it’s really usual – and developmentally appropriate [as we have to learn to separate from our parents] – to have these intense relationships.” But, and it is a significant but, this relationship raises concerns for us. No relationship should mean you are radically changing your behaviour – as you are – to appease someone else. I’m sorry for your boyfriend’s home life, the details of which you asked me to withhold, but you are not responsible for his happiness or anyone else’s.
“At this age,” says Anton, “you are starting to find out who you are, what you like and don’t like, how to be with others, what your boundaries are, and how to take care of your own emotions. From what you say, this relationship is more intense than is healthy and it’s taking a toll on you. It will be hard to build a sense of who you are as a young person when you are so entwined.”
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Aspects of your relationship sound coercive. I’m sure you’ve covered this in PSHE lessons, but it can be hard to see when this is happening to us. Not being able to share or having to water down good news for fear of him not liking it, him threatening to self-harm, feeling like you’re constantly treading on eggshells: these are not what a healthy relationship is based on.
Your boyfriend doesn’t sound like he has a strong sense of self, quite the opposite; it sounds like he’s outsourcing his self-esteem to you. This is not something you can delegate.
I would really urge you to talk to an adult you trust. You’ve taken a really big step towards this by writing to me.
If you are constantly keeping the peace with your boyfriend, you will get no peace yourself. You can’t fix him, or anyone else. That’s not your job. Your job is to look after yourself first and foremost. That’s not selfish but self-aware and self-protective, and that lesson can never be learned too young.
Every week, Annalisa Barbieri addresses a personal problem sent in by a reader. If you would like advice from Annalisa, please send your problem to ask.annalisa@theguardian.com. Annalisa regrets she cannot enter into personal correspondence. Submissions are subject to our terms and conditions. The latest series of Annalisa’s podcast is available here.
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