Key Takeaways
- Friends may show jealousy by excluding you or not celebrating your successes.
- Address jealousy by calmly discussing specific behaviors with “I” statements.
- If jealousy continues, consider ending the friendship to protect your well-being.
Healthy, lasting friendships involve lots of open communication and a feeling of camaraderie, like you’re both on the same team in life. However, even the greatest friendships have their sensitive spots, and sometimes that challenge is jealousy.
If you suspect your friend is jealous of you there’s a good chance you’ve brushed it off or convinced yourself you’re overreacting. The truth is, friends get jealous of one another more often than you’d expect and it’s an icky feeling we usually keep bottled up. Here are some ways to determine if your friend is secretly jealous of you, and if so, how to manage the situation so it doesn’t impact your friendship.
Understanding Jealousy in Friendships
It would be pretty hard to go through life and never experience envy or jealousy. It’s a human emotion and at some point we’ll probably long for something someone else has that we don’t. And while people with attachment issues tend to experience it more frequently than those who are securely attached, the truth is that it can happen to anyone and it’s a tough thing to control.
Some examples of things your friend might be jealous of:
- Your relationship or the success you’ve had while dating
- Your appearance or style
- Vacations you’ve been on
- Your career or a recent promotion
- How much money you make
- Your other friendships
- Your house or apartment and the things you own
Therapist Afton Turner, LPCA says that jealous behaviors “may indicate underlying feelings of inadequacy.” That means that someone else’s jealousy may be more about them than about you…and unfortunately, you’re the one who has to deal with it.
Having a jealous friend can make you feel bad about yourself, which is precisely not the point of friendship or the impact it should have on you. And we know toxic friendships are harmful to our mental well-being. We’ll take a look at how to identify signs your friend is jealous, and what you can do about it.
Signs Your Friend Is Secretly Jealous
If you’re worried that your friend is jealous of you, there are concrete ways of figuring it out for sure. Signs of jealousy show up in someone’s behavior towards you, how they communicate, and how they interact with you in social situations.
Behavioral Indicators
You might notice jealous behavior when good things happen to you—which makes perfect sense, as we’re all more likely to feel envious when someone else gets something we wish we had.
Turner says that when you experience something positive, a jealous friend might disengage with you. She also notes that they might exclude you, which can mean anything from not inviting you to a social event or talking on a group text chain you’re not a part of.
Communication Patterns
Just like there are behavioral indicators of jealousy, you can also tell if a friend is jealous by how they communicate with you. “Communication patterns with a jealous friend could be erratic—they may make themselves scarce when you are doing well if they have difficulty being happy for you and then want to be around you constantly when you are going through a rough time,” says psychologist Dr. Patrice Le Goy, PhD, MBA, LMFT. Turner says this erratic communication can manifest as “sarcasm, subtle digs, excessive comparison, ignoring or minimizing the other person’s feelings or experiences, and trying to make them feel guilty.”
On the other hand, they may be consistently a bit much. “They may also be overbearing as a friend – they may attempt to isolate you from anyone else and find fault with your other friends and discourage you from being around them,” Le Goy notes.
Social Interactions
In social settings, jealousy can manifest dramatically. But whether your friend makes a big deal out of their jealousy or keeps it chill, Le Goy says that it’s going to be a negative focus even when things are going great for you.
“An indication that a friend is showing signs of jealousy is that they may not want to focus on positive things that are happening for the other person, but instead choose to dwell on difficulties or challenges they are having,” she says.
Additionally, she tells us that “they may also seem like they are looking for something negative if their friend appears to be happy—such as finding something bad to say about the new job or relationship the other person is excited about.” In turn, she says that you may end up finding yourself behaving defensively.
Psychological Insights
Unfortunately, a jealous friend doesn’t keep their negativity to themself. When you know someone is feeling resentful of your successes, it can end up making you feel worse about all the good things that happen to you and even make you doubt yourself. “Personal insecurities can be amplified by jealousy,” says Turner. She notes, “inadequacy and fear of being outshined may increase in a jealous friendship. It can magnify self-doubt, especially in areas like career, appearance, or relationships.”
Your friend’s jealousy can make you take issue with your friendship at large. “If it is not addressed, it can stall a friendship or completely drive people apart,” warns Le Goy. Turner says that “jealousy can often cause communication problems, decrease trust, increase resentment, and create an unbalanced relationship. This may cause emotional distance in the friendship.”
Afton Turner, LPCA
inadequacy and fear of being outshined may increase in a jealous friendship. It can magnify self-doubt, especially in areas like career, appearance, or relationships.
— Afton Turner, LPCA
By now, you’re probably clear about whether or not you’re dealing with a jealous friend. If so, what to do about it ?
Addressing Jealousy in Friendships
If you’re sure that your friend is jealous, and you want to continue the friendship, you’ll need to address the issue. Before doing so, Le Goy suggests, “Make sure it is a friendship that you really want to save. Maybe the friendship has run its course and it is too toxic to continue.”
But for now, let’s say you think the friendship is worth putting the effort into. “If you do decide to confront your friend, be sure to identify specific behaviors and share how they make you feel—and how you would like the situation to be handled differently in the future,” she says.
Open a Compassionate Dialogue
You can avoid an escalation in emotion by remaining calm and speaking in a way that isn’t inflammatory. “It’s important to address the issue without being accusatory or defensive,” says Turner. She recommends you “confront a jealous friend by sharing your feelings with “I” statements, such as “I feel hurt when you talk badly about me to my other friends. I want us to all feel comfortable together..” and notes that “these statements open dialogue and show compassion.”
You also don’t want to start the conversation with “I’m sorry you’re jealous of me, I can’t help that I’m awesome!” just kidding, but you know what we mean. The key is to show your friend you aren’t trying to be better than them, and your friendship isn’t a competition. If your friend is struggling with their love life and feels jealous of your happy relationship you might offer to set them up on some dates, or even level with them on some relationship challenges you might be having—to show them that everything isn’t as picture perfect as it might look on the outside.
Patrice Le Goy, LMFT
This doesn’t mean your friend should be a “yes person,” and never tell you anything negative. It does mean that your boundaries should require your friends to be kind and happy for you when things are going well.
— Patrice Le Goy, LMFT
When confronting unhealthy behavior head-on, “you’ll want to be very clear on your expectations for your friendships and what you need from the other person,” instructs Le Goy. She says to consider “how do you want to feel about them and how do you want them to make you feel (e.g. cared for, supported)”
“This doesn’t mean your friend should be a “yes person,” and never tell you anything negative. It does mean that your boundaries should require your friends to be kind and happy for you when things are going well,” says Le Goy.
Be Prepared to Let Them Go
If you’ve done your part to improve the situation but your friend continues their jealous behavior, you’ll probably want to consider ending the friendship. “If your friend does not think there is a problem or they don’t make changes after being confronted, you should consider ending the friendship,” suggests Le Goy.
“If you find yourself making decisions to avoid triggering your friend’s jealousy—like holding back on sharing things with them or keeping them away from certain friends—it may be necessary to distance yourself from the friendship,” says Turner
