It’s one thing to grow up with strict parents—or even emotionally immature ones who made you the de facto adult in the house. But it’s another to be raised by narcissist parents—a specific kind of upbringing that impacts you long after your childhood technically ends.
These days, “narcissist” has become a buzzword to describe manipulative exes, tyrannical bosses, or essentially anyone who acts like an entitled jerk. Clinically, there is such a thing as Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD), a rare, diagnosable mental health condition that requires a formal evaluation. But when people use this term in everyday conversation, they usually aren’t referring to this, though. More often than not, they’re talking about selfish people with narcissistic traits: “A person who is self-centered, has a lot of self-importance, and believes they’re the most important person in the room,” Suzanne Manser, PhD, licensed psychologist and author of I Hate You (A Love Letter to My Mother): Healing Paper Cuts, Mother Wounds, and Intergenerational Pain, tells SELF. “It’s someone who needs to be admired; who thinks they should always get their way, because it’s obviously the best; who sees everyone else’s feelings as irrelevant.”
If that’s the kind of person (or people) you were brought up by, you probably absorbed a few harsh truths early on, Dr. Manser says: Like the idea that love is conditional; or that your needs come second—if they’re even acknowledged at all. But how do you know if you were actually raised by narcissists, and not just difficult or tough-to-please parents? While there’s no definitive checklist, psychologists have observed that adults who grew up this way tend to share most, if not all, of the behavioral patterns below.
1. You’re hyperfocused on doing the “right” thing—and paranoid about doing the wrong one.
In a narcissistic household, the punishment for “messing up” is disproportionate and unpredictable, Ramani Durvasula, PhD, clinical psychologist and author of It’s Not You: Identifying and Healing from Narcissistic People, tells SELF. A forgotten chore, a slightly “off” tone, or any normal teenage mistake will often spiral into a condescending lecture or the silent treatment—experiences that may lead you to carry a constant fear of criticism, even in low-stakes situations.
For example, “you might quadruple check if you’ve packed your charger or become paranoid about, ‘Did I sound okay when I said that?’ ‘What kind of gift should I get? I don’t want to bring the wrong one!’” Dr. Durvasula says. “In general, there’s a lot of self-doubt and anxiety,” because being imperfect in these situations isn’t just an inevitable part of life: It means risking withdrawal, ridicule, or a sudden loss of affection from the very person whose approval you crave most.
2. You’ve never thought about what you want.
Growing up with someone who puts themselves first means your needs get ignored. From a young age, you may have been told what to think (“You love soccer, you were born for this!”), how to act (“That didn’t hurt—stop making it a big deal”) or what to want (“We don’t like grandma on dad’s side, okay?” “You don’t need friends, you have me”).
