It’s really easy to swear you’d never forgive someone who cheated. But real-life relationships are messy, layered, and influenced by so much more than one (or a few) bad moments—which makes the question of whether there are ever “good” reasons to look past infidelity a complicated one.
Of course, all of this is subjective. An immediate dealbreaker for one person might be something another couple feels they can genuinely work through. But for anyone wondering what circumstance could possibly excuse this sort of betrayal, the short answer is none: “There is no universally ‘good’ reason to cheat,” Idit Sharoni, LMFT, a couples therapist who leads an infidelity recovery program called It’s Okay to Stay, tells SELF. In more than a decade of practice, she says, “I haven’t seen one case where anyone said, ‘Okay that’s a really great justification!’”
That said, the relationship therapists we spoke with agree that people underestimate how possible it is to recover from an affair and even grow stronger on the other side of it—either as individuals or, if you choose, as a couple. Either way, forgiveness can be the very tool that provides clarity, closure, and a surprising sense of peace. While there is no universal formula for what makes staying “acceptable,” here are a few factors they’ve seen that at least make the choice to forgive understandable.
1. You’ve been together for a while and share a deep history.
Needless to say, couples who have been together for decades have a lot more on the line than those in the early stages of dating. “If you’ve been married for a really long time, it’s not just a simple decision to say, ‘Let me end this relationship,’” Sharoni says. “It’s not an on-and-off switch.”
That’s because long-term duos have years of shared history and life experiences to take into consideration. Maybe they were there for each other during the death of a parent or child, a serious health scare, or sudden financial challenges, Sharoni says. “When you go through the relationship having supported each other in so many different ways, the infidelity doesn’t always automatically negate that.”
2. You rely on each other financially.
Similarly, the practical circumstances of a long-term relationship—such as being financially tied to each other—can make the decision to leave incredibly complex. “I work with a lot of couples who’ve decided to stay together because it would be very expensive to maintain separate housing, separate lives, and they’ve figured out a way to make the situation work,” Lisa Chen, LMFT, a Los Angeles-based couples therapist, tells SELF. On top of that, other money-related realities like shared debt, childcare costs, or relying on a partner’s health insurance can play a meaningful role in explaining why a person may be tempted to stay.
3. They came forward on their own.
While it doesn’t suddenly erase the betrayal, an unprompted confession can make it easier to believe they won’t do it again, Patrice Le Goy, PhD, LMFT, a Los Angeles–based couples therapist, tells SELF.
